Oh, the Places You'll Go

Apparently, it'll never sink in.

God tells me, "Don't worry about tomorrow ... each day has enough trouble of its own," and, "I know the plans that I have for you."

And yet, here I am, plotting and planning and scheming for the future, even though I know that things change almost every day.

I thought I'd live in this house next year ... ehhh, things might change.

Once I thought I'd be at Camp next summer ... ehhh, nope. Maybe San Diego? Yeah, maybe. Maybe Ocean City? Yeah, maybe. What about Calcutta? Or Cairo? Or going around the inner cities of America? Strangely enough, all those things are possibilities.

WHO KNOWS?!

It's truly kind of exciting, to see where I will end up. But, you'd think I'd learn to just let go, stop planning, and let God take over. Nope. I try to master the inconstancy of the world, and only end up being constantly defeated.

So, it's time to put this in the hands of God and trust that He has the best plan for me. It's not for me to worry about.

I Like My Coffee Black, Like the Color of My Soul

I've never felt so cultured and artistic as I have the past few weeks of my life.

It all started with Theater and Drama 150: Intro to Acting.

(My sophistication levels simply sky-rocketed from there.)

They were propelled along by Intergrated Liberal Studies 275: American Political Thought and Literature from Paine to Hemmingway.

(My gosh, I'm so ... scholarly.)

Essentially, I spent the greater portion of last week:

1. Brainstorming for a short story for Political Thought / Literature class
2. Going over my options for presenting a depressing, suicidal monologue for Acting

I spent yesterday:

1. Writing my short story at a favorite coffee shop on State St.
2. Attending the thea-ater to see Death of a Salesman
3. Practicing my suicidal monologue

I spent today:

1. Writing my short story and drinking tea while candles burned in our pseudo-fireplace
2. Reading Kerouac (for pleasure)

I've got the black beret, I've got the small black t-shirt, Ashley and I were talking about hosting a "Beat Poetry Night" at 22 S. Orchard.

Now, all I need is black coffee and cigarettes.

Black. Like the color of my soul.

(Notice the disjointed, post-modern style of this blog. It's supposed to represent the disjointed nature of humanity in which ... Oh, wait ... You don't understand what it's supposed to represent? I'm sorry. Then clearly you shouldn't be reading this blog. Because I'm agnsty and presumptuous and only talk with other people who wear black and drink coffee and snap their fingers instead of clapping. You wouldn't understand.)

Snap snap snap snap snap.

Ahoy!

Avast, me hearties! Me life-long dream of becoming a pirate was finally fullfilled! It wasn't easy thar, matey, but me thinks Cap'n Jack Sparrow would be proud! Yaaarrrr!!

Um, basically the Fall Teen Retreat at Camp this weekend was amazing. (It was Pirate-themed, for those whose skulls are just a little thicker than your Average Joe.) Now, sadly, I must sail away from the high seas of adventure and into the Harbor of Reality. Ohhh gosh. I miss summer. I miss Camp people. I miss my job. : (

The Kaleidoscope

Wow, what a weekend. I can't seem to summon the ambition to do anything besides sit in my wonderful bed and browse the internet in an ADD-type fashion. I think my short attention span is a symptom of utter exhaustion.

The Quick and Dirty Breakdown:

• Up early, skipped lecture on Thursday, eventually made my way out of the house to head back home (Oh, how I love driving back to Milwaukee after a long time away...)
• Hit up the mall and visited Tracy at Starbucks - and found out Grandma Frega isn't doing too well at all
• Sat through a cut / highlight appointment (So worth it because I Love my new hairstyle!)
• Visited an old, tired, and frail looking Grandma and tired visitors at her nursing home. So difficult.
• Up early the next day for a dentist appt. - nothing is acutally wrong with my tooth, but yet it still hurts. Grr.
• Got a pedicure ($25 that I never regret spending)
• Went out to lunch with Tracy (I'm no longer a Sushi Virgin! Yummy!) and spent the day shopping with her for wedding-ish type stuff. We bought her and Doug's wedding bands. I realized I desperately want someone to buy me a ring and take me away and marry me (there's probably a white horse involved somehow, too). Ha, that's wishful thinking if I ever heard it!
• Laid around the rest of the night, too pooped to move or do anything worthwhile. Did get to talk to Grandpa though, which I was happy about.
• Left Saturday morning for Madison again - Camp friends were in town!! HUGELY fun.
• Saw Madison at its finest - gorgeous day to wander State St., eat ice cream at the Terrace, and lay on Bascom. Crowds everywhere, fans excited. It's an experience like none other, and I'm so happy I got to share it with people I love so much.
• BADGER GAME. NIGHT GAME. SO FUN. It was looking scary for the first half, but we pulled through in the end. Omigoodness, I love my school.
• At least 25 people in our house after the game. WOW. Food galore, games of Warewolves, 6 people spooning on my bed ... it was mad chaos. And so fun.

And now I'm here. Exhausted. My room is a mess (if you can imagine). My brain is mush, and my body is rejecting the massive amounts of empty calories that were forced into it over the past four days. None of these things really facilitate reflection.

This weekend had its dark moments, and it had it moments of glorious, life-giving color.

There's no denying it: There's a lot of darkness in the world. There is the black sting of death and sickness, the grey tiredness that comes from deep emotions, the ugly hughes of stress that we feel when we are faced with the pressures of life and worry about how quickly time is moving past us.

But, there's also color. God didn't have to make the leaves turn into their kalidescope of reds and yellows and greens - but He did. He didn't have to make the skies and the waters deep, brilliant blues - but He did. He doesn't have to warm our faces with the golden rays of sunlight - but He does.

God doesn't have to give us the sensations of joy that we get when we are surrounded by those we love, but he does.

He doesn't have to love us, provide for us, desire us ... but He DOES. More than we will ever understand.

God casts away the dark shadows, replacing even the darkest things with the light and color of His presence.

Yeah, He's pretty cool.

The Sunday Scramble

Mmm ... Sunday. Nothing quite like coming back from church, bustin' out the sweatpants, and engaging in what I like to call the "catch up day" routine. Somehow, even though there's always a lot to do on Sundays, to me, they always seem a little bit more lazy than most days.

After a busy, back-to-business-as-usual week, and a jam-packed, people-filled weekend, it'll be good to have a few hours to regroup and get my game-face on for the days to come. There'll be classes and homework, meetings and stuff to do around the house. ... But, I'm happy to be heading home on Thursday and Friday, and looking forward to a whole house filled with Camp vistors next weekend. It'll pretty much be a mini-reunion, and I could not be more excited!

This weekend was a precursor to next: Karen took a break from wedding planning and came with Amber from WLC to hang out with us Madison folk. It was like a mini mini-reunion, and we girls had a good time hanging out in my bed, trying to figure out which members of the Baby-Sitters Club we are most like. Yeah, we're pretty cool. : )

Prior to their arrival, I also got to take some time to enjoy the beautiful weather and go on a bike ride after class on Thursday, and hang out with YoungLife and Campus Crusade people on Friday. (Photo Scavenger Hunt on State St. and dance parties!) I also had some time to get some stuff done around the house, which was nice - especially after not doing laundry for over a month.

Unfortunately, there was also some sad news this weekend. On Saturday morning, I got a message from my mom saying that Grandpa Johnson had had a massive heart attack. Luckily, he was able to get into surgery in the nick of time and is stable at this point. Of course, it was a scare that no family wants to have. If you could include him and my grandma and our family in your prayers, we would appreciate it very much. It is my prayer that the Lord would work in us through this and that His Name would be glorified in all circumstances.

Blessings to you all in the week ahead!

Pictures!

PS. Check out pictures from my summer on Picasa! http://picasaweb.google.com/nicole.carow/TheAdventuresOfSummer2007

Make sure you check out the "Map" feature; you can see sattelite images of where I've been!

Oh Google. You never cease to amaze me.

Annnnd ... Scene.

When the clock flips to A.M. at midnight tonight, a new season of life will begin. It's a change, for sure.

I go from exams. To Camp. To Madison. And now ... to real, bona fide, school. Lectures. Readings. Discussions. The papers, oh goodness, the papers. And it almost feels like I never left.

Just when you get used to one thing, it drifts right into the next.

I feel like I hardly got a handle on my summer. So many things went unsaid, so many letters went unwritten, so many opportunities just ... missed. I almost left Wautoma with a lot of regret. As incredible as my summer was, as jam-packed, adventurous, hilarious, spontaneous, fulfilling as it was, I still spent most of my summer brooding with a heavy, doubting heart. And that made it so, SO hard to leave. How could I leave, when things were just getting started? When I was finally ready to dive in headfirst?

I'm not sure what changed. All I know is that from the last Tuesday night to the last Thursday morning of the summer, I didn't do much sleeping, but I did do a lot of crying, and a lot of praying. Somewhere out on the middle of the lake, the morning I was to leave, things started to make sense. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why, but I do know that God speaks to us in ways that we can't even begin to comprehend. He comforts us when nobody else has a clue, He points us in directions we wouldn't have gone on our own, and leads us to places of assurance that we never would have reached without Him.

It took a whole summer, but in those last hours, I was able to breath a sigh of relief, and know that it hadn't been for naught. The moments of despair and the moments of elation were blended together to create an experience that was entirely human. We're full of contradictions, us humans, but God (whatta Guy) is working through those experiences, working through those ups and downs, to draw us nearer to Him (even if we don't realize it) and bring His kingdom into fruition.

Whew. So that was my summer. It was a lot to learn.

Then I left there ... and life became BUSY.

I was in Canada ... (this picture was actually taken on the way back from Canada, at Pictured Rocks National Park in the Upper Penninsula)

And I was in Madison, cleaning the House of Horrors, complete with moldy walls, paint-stained floors, and the "Closet O' Piss." Even opposums. It's been hectic, to say the least. But, this crazy old house has brought a lot of fun opportunities to get to know my roommates better and learn some new skills and become just a wee bit more independent.

I was thinking about the concept of moving recently. I seem to do it quite a bit. I went from the dorms, to an apartment, to a house, with a few sandy cabins to fill the months in between. Each time, with the execption of Camp, I bring a little bit more STUFF with me. It's becoming quite annoying, to say the least. (Whenever I move, I always feel like I should become a minimalist, selling all my worldly possessions to the poor and living in a box, or something.) Each time, though, my place of residence becomes a little bit more like home, and it makes me all the more anxious to have a home of my own one day. Complete with cute dish sets and more Ikea furniture, naturally. On second thought, maybe minimalism isn't the way of life for me ...

I guess it reminds me of the road to heaven. We're here on this earth, gaining more and more "baggage," if you will. Not baggage like the bad kind that people talk about when they talk about relationships, but like, life experiences. We carry these around with us, day by day acquiring more, and we're supposed to be collecting the things that will make our earthly tents, our earthly bodies, a little bit more like our ultimate heavenly mansion and our glorified bodies. We're supposed to be acquiring more kindness, more compassion, more humility, and each day, we're supposed to be feeling a little bit closer to our heavenly residence, where we can finally snuggle up in front of the eternal fire on that Swedish-made couch with that classy heavenly throw-pillow.

It's a sloppy analogy, but when you spend a few hours a day caulking and painting in an unventilated basement, you have a lot of time to think.

Oh, you're not supposed to paint and caulk in an unventilated basement?

Oh. That explains a lot.

Grace and peace to you all in this new season of life!

Summer Is Dead.

I'm trying to figure out how I'll ever get excited for anything ever again ... all that I can think about is Camp and how I'm not there and how there is nothing that would make me happier than to be there, now, with the people I love, doing the job that I love.

Sweet, Sweet Summer

Well, I never had to click my heels three times, but I came to the same realization as Dorthy did: there really is no place quite like home.

I'm not gonna lie - it's been excellent spending some time in the real world. Camp is great for when society sucks, and society is great when you're sick of having black snot. (For whatever reason, dirt / sand gets everywhere at camp ... even in your nasal passages? ... weird, I know.)

My last week of camp was pretty stellar. Leading photography turned out to be a blast (we did lots of trick photography and they made stories out of their pictures). Despite the mixed nature of my cabin (various grade levels, all sorts of different speciality focuses), they were waaaay fun. I really enjoyed having the older kids: they're a little easier to relate to, and you can just chat with them during downtime instead of having to teach them a new game or song every 4.2 seconds. They pose different challenges though: they loooove showering, they love boys, and they're just at a really awkward age where they really want to be older and more independent but aren't quite there. Regardless, I had a great week with them.

The week was memorable for a few other reasons, e.g., seeing my boss hit my Prayer Partner with a 10 lb. plastic ball of ice ... in the face. Needless to say, it didn't turn out too well for Miss Jones.

6 stitches later, she's still beautiful to me.

I also got to see my sister that week. Her and Matt came up to scope out Wisconsin, and Jen made a stop in Wautoma to hang out with her very pregnant best friend. It was fun seeing her then, but I'd get to see her more in the week ahead.

After I left camp on Saturday, I pretty much headed straight down to Summerfest. It's always a bit of a culture shock coming out of Wautoma, and that was pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum. Summerfest, however, was great: I got to see one of my favorite bands (Lifehouse) and I hung out with Tracy ... and some of her bridal party! Yes, folks, my best friend is getting married to Doug, her "high school sweetheart." (I hate that phrase, for the record.) She asked me to be her maid of honor that day, and I gave a very enthusiastic YES. I am so excited for them!! I cannot wait for that wedding!!

Some other highlights of my week back home included spending nearly a whole day sleeping on Sunday, and then heading to church at St. Marcus and having some downtown excursions with some Ukraine friends; totally pampering myself on Monday - massage, pedicure, the works; traveling to Chicago with Jen and Matt for the 3rd of July fireworks on Tuesday; running a 5k with my family in New Berlin on the 4th of July, and then hanging out at Grandma & Grandpa's (and trying to learn how to swim ... ). The night of the 4th was quite relaxing; I got to hang out with my friend Laura, and we just sat on our porch swing and chatted ... to me, it reminded me of summers of yore: the night air, the fireflies, hearing fireworks in the distance ... ahhh ...

Jen and Matt left early yesterday, which was sad for us. I kept busy, however, trying to catch up on some stuff that I'd let slide over the summer.

It's sad to me that this week went by so fast. If you know me, you'd know I'm a real sucker for relaxation, so I'll have to get back into that hardworking mindset. Hopefully, though, I'll be rested and ready to go for the next half of the summer. With any luck, it'll be even better than the first half!

And, I might have thrown out this plea earlier, but I'll say it again: If you know any kids looking for an awesome week of spiritual growth and unforgettable experiences, send them to Camp Phillip!! We still have openings that we'd love to fill. : )

Well, I'm out to work on some stuff for the fall ... I already got a syllabus emailed to me ... gross ...

Taking a Breather

Finally, finally - a weekend. It's only been three weeks or something, but it feels like it has been forever. It felt sooo nice to just take a nap, read some Harry Potter, and now, hang out in the air conditioned basement of the registration building updating you folks on my life.

This past week was somewhat intense, much more for some than me. I don't really know how some are still going ... This is just an interesting week in general for us staff. It's made up of two half weeks: from Sunday to Wednesday, 2nd to 4th graders. From Wednesday to Sunday, 6th through 8th graders. I counseled the first half of the week. The kids were so little! Some of them were the cutest things I have ever seen ... others were, well, a little whiny. They all took extreme amounts of patience and constant entertainment (in the attempt to ward off homesickness like the plague), though. It was really fun, I thought, but also incredibly tiring.

Truthfully, I was really grateful to be put on Program Staff for the second half of the week. For one, the staff is just worn out from not having a break. For two, it's a rough, rough week. It's for the kids who should be able to go for a whole week but can't ... it's pretty much filled with homesickness, whiners, kids with problems ... a whole barrel of monkeys. It's also a small week, so we had a lot of non-counseling staff. That meant, for those of us without cabins, it was a rather relaxing couple of days. I myself was so grateful for it, but my prayers were with those who didn't get that time to wind down. I ended up doing a little bit of photography, a little bit of cleaning, and I helped to plan closing campfire and an evening game. It was a nice break.

I wish I could keep a book of the funny things I hear kids say. There's a lot, but I can't remember them anymore ... maybe I'll write them down and you can be amused someday as well...

Coming up next, we've got Specialty Week. I'm leading photography specialty for the second year now, just as clueless as I was last year. I've also got a cabin, so it'll be a busy week. I'm looking forward to it, though!

Speaking of which, I want to do some planning for that ... sending my love!

Love This Place

Ahh ... Camp. Good stuff, good stuff.

I have no idea what to say. My mind is like, not all here. I'm just so tired. And there's sooo much to say!

Last week was Jr. Staff Training. It was grand! My cabin was comprised of a lot of different people, but we ended up getting along and I was just so pleased with the outcome of the week. I was so incredibly nervous before they got here - more nervous than I ever have been with a cabin! Jr. Staff is a big responsibility, I feel. They may expect a lot out of their week, and I wanted to give them a good experience. I pray that God worked through me and helped me to be a positive influence on their lives. That's just what I really wanted to be.

It was also great to see my family last weekend. Mom and Dad brought up Kristen and her friend (and Izzy) and I got to eat with them and hang out. Eating in Wautoma, always an experience. : )

Omigosh, this is the worst blog ever right now. I'm just going to stop because all my creative energies have been used up in the last week. They have to replinish themselves when I'm not not ready to fall asleep for 21 hours straight. Sorry for the lack of updates or excitement, don't worry, it will come someday!

Love to all.

Feelin' SALTy

Hello to my friends and family!

Wow, I've already been at Camp for almost two weeks. But, it almost feels like I never left. The staff is already well-bonded, and the daily routine will be engrained into me soon enough.

We have not had any campers yet, but we have had almost a week of ropes course training, and we are over half-way through with SALT (Summer Adult Leadership Team) Training. It's an important week, a rather mentally exhausting week, and one of the only times throughout the summer that we just get to BE with each other, to be with adults for more than an hour or so.

Ropes went well; it was more of a review for me since last year but I got to do a few more difficult things, such as "taking down" all the equipment after the day at ropes was over. It was pretty freaking scary to me (being up 45ish feet in the air connected to nothing but my own devices wrapped around the telephone pole while trying not to drop $200 dollars worth of equipment ... difficult to explain), but I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. Hopefully I'll be a little more useful out there this year.

It's been a little hard for me to get into the swing of things this year, for whatever reason. I think last night helped a lot, though. Every year, there is a tradition that each staff member, on the last day or so of Camp, writes a letter to the next summer's staff, giving out pithy advice or reminiscing on some of their fonder memories. And, last night, we read those letters from last summer. I wasn't that excited to hear mine, wondering if it would be too sappy or too long (it was), but God really strengthened me through hearing the things that I wrote last year, oddly enough ... Last summer I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy, and the devil was really eager for me to take a few steps back and feel the same way, if not worse, again. But God triumphed last night, and I was reminded that I don't have to worry about feeling ill-prepared, ill-equipped, or just ... not good enough. Psh, I don't have to worry about a thing: the only way I have any worth is through Him working through me. It's not me making an impact on campers or staff, and it's not my job to worry about how my efforts are recieved. I am just an instrument, glad to be used by God in whatever way He so chooses.

He has it more figured out than I do.

With that said, I believe that my time here on the Wautoma Library internet is running short (we got an unexpected break today - we were supposed to be doing high ropes, but apparently there's like, the storm of the century brewing in Central WI, so we decided that ropes just might not be the best idea for today ...) but I just wanted to keep you all updated. I'm alive and well, and looking forward to keeping you posted on more stories throughout the next few months.

If you get the chance, please remember me and my coworkers in your prayers. Please pray that the devil does not get a foothold 0n the staff here this summer by convincing us of our insufficiencies or dividing us by petty differences. Also pray that God would keep us all united in purpose, as well as prepare the camper's hearts for their week at camp, that He would do amazing things in their lives for that short time they are with us. Also pray that God gives me the strength to make it through each week, helping me fully dedicate myself to edifying the lives of His little lambs.

I would ask for your support for this ministry in general. I myself know the power it can have in a person's life, and I so desperately wish that Camp Phillip can continue, by the grace and power of God, to make an impact on the hearts of His children.

Thanks for taking the time ... God bless till next time!

Cue the Frolicking Fairies, It's Springtime at Last!

'Ello friends!

It's been awhile! And here we are - almost at the end of the school year! Honestly, who would have thought? It truly seems like I just got back from Camp and was buying my books for the Fall ... and now I'm headed back to Camp, and turning in my books from the Spring. For meagre, meagre amounts of money ... oh, the turnover that the University Bookstore gets.

Mmmm ... so spring is CERTAINLY in the air, and I can't get enough of it. Today, before I got my study on, I was lucky enough to join my roommate Shanti and our friend Ed for some brunch on the Capitol Square and some wandering around the Farmer's Market. (Which, for the record, is my new most favorite thing about Madison. I can't believe I hadn't experienced it before!) I absolutely aaaadooore (catch the 'It Takes Two' reference) Madison in the spring. Truly, truly my favorite things in the world. Or up there, at least.

Speaking of which, I was just reminded of a favorite quote by CS Lewis from the Screwtape Letters (an excellent read, folks, an excellent read).

Humans live in time, and experience reality successively. To experience much of it, therefore, they must experience many different things; in other words, they must experience change. And since they need change, [God] ... has made change pleasurable to them ... but since He does not wish them to make change ... an end in itself, He has balanced the love of change in them by a love of permanence. He has contrived to gratify both tastes together in the very world He has made, by that union of change and permanence which we call Rhythm. He gives them the seasons, each season different yet the same, so that spring is always felt as a novely yet always as the recurrence of an immemorial theme.

Perhaps that is indeed one of the beauties of spring: the newness of it, and yet - the newness that is alway somehow the same. Love it, love it. Spring's always been good to me ... there's just something about driving with the windows down for the first time, not having to walk out the door with two sweatshirts and long johns on, smelling the lilacs in the air and watching the trees burst with blossoms seemingly overnight ... ya just can't beat it.

It's been an interesting school year, and in a way I'm sad to see it go. I'll totally miss my apartment and the relatively easy schedule, Shanti's cooking and late night dance parties ... but, I'm also pumped for my camping trip, Camp (even if I'm still wondering where on earth I'll get that energy from), and for coming back for another year in Madison. The house next year should be fab, and I'm looking forward to getting more involved in Campus Crusade and leading a Bible study at the Chapel / Student Center. Who knows - maybe I'll even get a job. We'll see ...

Random: Shanti and I have decided as of late that I totally need to visit her in India over Christmas. (Needless to say, I've been doing a little airfare searching instead of looking up which Greek hero was inadvertently boiled by his own children.)

Well, it looks like it's time for some dinner, Harry Potter, and possibly, possibly more studying. Eh, my exam's not till three tomorrow ... I've got time ...

Spring Break, Sparknotes Version

Hey everyone!

So, it's been awhile since a blog update. I'm sick of writing my paper (I've written a whole paragraph today ... it's probably time to call it quits anyway ... right?) so this seemed like the next most logical option. (I acutally have no idea how I get anything done at the rate I work at ...)

Right now I'm exasperated beyond belief! It's been very hard to get into the swing of things lately. Granted, it's only been three days since my Spring Break adventures, but my mind is still everywhere but here in Madison. Frankly, I would just rather waste away my days swooshing down the Rocky Mountains or lollygagging on the Atlantic Coast.

A recurring them in my life is RESTLESSNESS. BOREDOM. Sometimes I feel like I'm not content if I'm not going, if something new isn't happening. I realize not all news is good news, and yeah yeah, "one day I'll look back and these and think they were the best days of my life" and blah blah ... but I'm soooo over this whole "college" thing. I feel more and more like it's just not for me. There's very little, if anything, that I learn in my classes that I couldn't learn on my own by swinging by a local library. Or looking on Wikipedia. (PS - I LOVE Wikipedia.)

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy learning. Lectures aren't the worst part of college. Sure, sometimes it's hard to stay focused, but for the most part I enjoy at least two of my classes. Ironically enough, those are not my English classes. Praise God, I'm switching my major! I just really can't stand my English classes, and I've had it up to HERE with analyzing stuff written by dead guys putting up with my insane professors. I LOVE reading and stories, and I LOVE metaphors and finding the meaning in something ... but I could care less about hearing someone debate with themself about a meaning that is clearly not implied by the text for an hour each morning. It's like all my professors have split personalities. ("Well, it could mean this ... OR ... it could mean this ... OR it could mean the author was gay ... OR it could mean this text was couterrevolutionary" OR I could punch you in the FACE and that would solve this problem real quick.)

I digress.

It's also hard because I know what I want to do, I know where I want to go ... and I'm here. And my education isn't bringing me any closer to what I really want to do. I know I just need a degree and it really doesn't matter what kind of grades I get and yada yada ... but the fact that I'm busily stationary is driving me mad. I'm sure I'm probably "missing the point" or something, but it's hard to see the big picture when all I want to do is get out into the world.

I wish I could just take correspondence classes for the rest of my degree. All I would need is a laptop ...

Anyway. Enough of my ranting and raving. What's been happening lately? For starters, I had the most amazing Spring Break ever. Higlights, Cliffnotes style?

• Breathing in the mountain air!! Ohhh -- I love it out West!! I was born in the wrong place!!
• Learning how to ski!! It was amazing! I loved it! (But I need to stop getting expensive hobbies ...)
• Hanging out with Chuck Norris ... yup ...
• Getting hit on by the Ski Patrol men who had to come fetch me off a mountain ... oh, fun times ...
• Finally getting some long overdue time with my long lost best friend Tracy
• Feasting ... feasting ... feasting ...
• The magic man at the sports bar during the National Championship
• Meeting new friends in the airport and on the plane to Boston
• Getting to see Chrissy for the first time since Christmas Break!
• Getting an up-close and personal look at Chrissy's Bentley College (at East Coast school - so charming!)
• Learning to navigate the "T" (their underground) and understanding the layout of the city
• Touring the Museum of Fine Arts (free on Wednesday nights!) and the Isabelle Stewart Gardner Museum (Old lady collects art, dies, and they turn it into a museum. That lady had way too much time on her hands ... but it was very cool)
• Rummaging through Filene's Basement (designer clothing for cheap!) and seeing what seemed like the world's largest Borders and H&M ... heavenly.
• Prancing around the Haaarvard Green, throwing frisbees and wearing backwards baseball caps (because that's what college kids do, right?)
• Spending time with other Camp friends Callie, Bethany, and Beth (back all the way from Europe!) completley dominating the entire Freedom Trail (State House, Old North Church, site of the Boston Massacre, Paul Revere's House, USS Consitution, Old City Hall ... I don't even know. But we did it all. But we couldn't find the Corner Bookstore. We decided it was bought out by Borders. Probably was.
• Having a wonderful "Dinner and a Show" experience (Check out "Shear Maddess." Way funny Boston original.)

I realize this stopped being the condensed version ... but let's just say that Park City and Boston were grand. I was blessed to spend time with old family and friends, met a few new interesting folks along the way, saw some more of America the Beautiful, crossed out FOUR of the 1000 Place to See Before I Die (The Canyons, Isabelle Stewart Gardner, Freedom Trail, Legal Seafoods - I SAW Legal Seafoods, I just didn't EAT there, because it was crazy expensive. But the book isn't called 1000 Places to TASTE Before You Die ...)

These links might work for pictures:

Utah: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205262&l=e4f93&id=8629006

Boston Part 1: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205376&l=e8a5f&id=8629006

Boston Part 2: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205465&l=5ec50&id=8629006

Well, I think that about covers it. You poor folks have spent a lot of time reading this already. I feel bad that I missed everyone for Easter, but I was there in spirit. Amen! Jesus is risen! And I guess if school sucks, I've still got that going for me! Love and miss you all!

Here's To You, Karl Marx

Wow, it's actually been a while since I wrote, but it definitely doesn't feel like it! February and March marched right along, and now we're nearing April. Who would have thought it, really?

Right now my brain is sort of fried.

I'm on a mission today, to write five pages of a ten page paper. For many people, this is a menial task, but I acutally hate writing papers. I'm not sure if any of you knew that about me. I hate it. It doesn't help that it's a critique of French Marxist philsopher Louis Althusser's Ideological State Apparatuses. And then I'm supposed to theorize about the political implications of his model of subjectivity and create my own model. Or something. I have no idea. It's actually amazing that I've written close to three pages already, because I a) don't care about this person at all, b) don't care about this class at all, c) have no idea what he is saying.

Well, I have one up on Mr. Althusser: I didn't strangle / murder my wife and die in a mental institution. But, I might have ended up in one if I had not taken a break from writing. That's what this theory stuff does!!! IT MAKES YOU CRAZY. AND THEN YOU KILL YOUR WIFE.

The people that I have studied this year are not normal. They all like, hang out with each other and die weird deaths together. Ugh.

Luckily, Spring Break is upon us! FOUR MORE DAYS! FOUR MORE DAYS! Then I get to go to UTAH and BOSTON and be cultured and have fun and travel and be awesome all around.

Also luckily, my roommate just called me and is having, a quote, "fashion crisis." Well, I'd rather help her with the fashion crisis than write anymore.

Hopefully I don't strangle anyone on my way to the mall.

Letting the Kid Out

Oh, the happiness that Sabbath Friday brings.

FYI - Sabbath Friday is a day that I designate to rest, relaxation, reading for fun, fellowship, service, the Bible, prayer ... basically, whatever I want, as long as it's enjoyable and focused on furthering my relationship with God or others.

So anyway. My Fridays are always outstanding. I always come away from them feeling very refreshed and invirgorated, and more eager to dedicate my life to my Lord and loving others. Last Friday was especially exceptional. I was finishing up the Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brendan Manning, which I would recommend to anyone looking for a "fresh" (yet wholly "original") perspective on grace and its place in our daily lives - it's a great read. Manning has a lot of wonderful insights; he seems like a wizened man, a man who I would like to chat with next to a fireplace in an overstuffed armchair. (And his picture on the back cover makes that vision all the more enticing.) However, he accumulates a lot of his wisdom from others. The book is laden with quotes and poems from those who have gone before. So anyway, near the end of the book was this quote from the poet Samuel Ullman, and it really made me stop and think:

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease ... nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young."

In light of my recent "Oh my gosh I'm getting too old" mindset, this passage was comforting and uplifting. I think it's pretty much applicable to all of us; we've all watched life pass quickly before us, and it's troubling to see the children within us subjected to the cares of the world and to the pressures of time. But, it brought me back to the number one thing I learned from my dad: "Always let your kid out." Even though our physical child grows up and tends to get beat up by the experiences of life, the kid inside is infinite, always seeing the joy and the sunshine of the world instead of the clouds that so often fog our vision.

So even though our decades here on earth seem to be rapidly accumlating, it certainly does not have to be the end of fun, or the end of the incredible blessings that God offers to us each and every day.

I hope that everyone reading this will be struck by wonder today, and I hope we can all learn to take the time to think about things the way our "kid inside" would.

Blessings and love!

The Last 20 Minutes

Right now, it is 11:40. I have twenty minutes left to be a teenager.

I'm very sentimental about things like that. I love countdowns, anniversary's, and the like. Why? Not quite sure.

I remember my 13th birthday ... It was fun! It was a hotel party, how could a hotel party not be fun, really? And there was my mom, with her hand in the door ... and all us girls freaking out. Oh, good times. Of course, there was teenage girl drama - there usually was.

And now - my first step into those life-changing years as a twenty-something ... and it's SO unmonumental. I spent my day trying to convince myself to do things that will be better in the long run, though it would forfeit short-term "happiness" and allow me to handle things non-confrontationally. (I guess it's mature and all, but I don't like it. Nope. Nope I don't.) And I spent my night being crabby and stressed and oh-so-tired, racking my brains trying to write a paper that I really don't care about. Talk about a good way to end my teenage existence. (Well, perhaps it is emblematic of my later teenage years ...)

Perhaps, in 13 minutes, sparks will fly, fireworks will explode, people will come streaming into my apartment, with noise-makers and food (hopefully it won't be cake - I'm pretty sick of the cake) and champagne or something. And a live band, naturally.

Now we're down to 11 minutes. 11 minutes left to be crazily emotional, immature, silly, boy-crazy, giddy, hormonal, pimply, a dangerous driver, snotty, skinny, foolish-but-acting-wise, rebellious, spontaneous ...

Do those traits ... just ... go away? Cuz a part of me wants them to stay.

Now I'm getting nostalgic. I really want to be a teenager again. Well, okay, I really want to be 21, but I also wouldn't mind staying 18 forever (notice the allusion to a song popular when I was 16). People always glorify childhood. Dude, that was good times too, don't get me wrong. But what's so bad about getting your heart broken, only to fall in love again two weeks later? Or what's so bad about feeling free for the first time you get to drive alone or with your best friend? What's not to love about the afternoons when classes where out? Remember the well-defined social groups, and having summers free to do nothing but read or stay out on trampolines and star-gaze?

Four minutes.

Four minutes, and I shall enter that world of graduating (only to go to school again), job-finding (only to realize you hate your job), and husband-finding (only to realize that his breath smells really bad in the morning).

I should mention, I'm really not that cynical. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the next years of my life. In fact, they could be even better than the last decade or so. I'm so excited for what's in store for me, but ... it's nice to look back and see what you've had. It wasn't always fun. In fact, a lot of times it was downright lousy. But, in the last analysis, I grew up. I became more of myself.

And there's something to say for that.

The Big 2-0

I've been wanting to update this thing forever now. I wanted to talk about the New Year, about Urbana, about the excitement of a new semester and the anticipation I have for Camp and the desire I have to go on missions ... but, I haven't.

And now, we are already two months into the New Year. Christmas break (and all its drama) seems like ages ago. Urbana is a distant memory (a great memory, but distant), and life has been zipping along, the way it usually does.

Life is so great right now I almost feel guilty. I'm so content in my apartment, with my amazing roommates. I'm so excited for the spring and the summer, happily anticipating the memories and growth that Camp will bring. I'm learning a lot in school, and though I'm always bogged down with reading and papers, I generally enjoy what I'm studying. (Though, I do hate my Theory class. The only reason I stayed in it was because the professor was quite good looking. Is that a poor motive?)

Of course, there are always little bums along the way. I've had to deal with everything from relationships (or the lack thereof, or, more accurately, the ever-present desire for the lack thereof) to roommates (past and future) to my consistently inconsistent plans for my summer and for my future. Despite these curveballs in the game of life, I wake up every day feeling so blessed, because learning to hit curveballs makes you a better batter, and I know that at the end of the day I'll look over the field with satisfaction, knowing that I played my best and that the team's going out for ice cream.

My apologies for the lame analogy.

But in all honesty, I have been so blessed. It feels so good to wake up every day, knowing that God will give me the strength to handle whatever life throws in my direction. I've been working hard to be bold, to be open, to cultivate relationships. Sometimes, when all that lies ahead is four more boring lectures, that's what gets me out of bed - the fact me being at this school, at this place in history, is not coincidental. I'm working more and more to make the most out of this time in my life, because there's a lot of despair on this campus. There's a lot of people who just need a smile, but there's many more who just need a Savior. I hope that I can bring that happiness that I have to other people's lives.

It's crazy to think about how much God has revealed to me about himself in my 19th year of existence. I'm pretty excited to see what the 20th has in store for me!

Side note: There are 368 days till I can drink. Allllright. ; )

Application Schmapplication

I'm so sick of writing this application. I have ADD right now. If I would just FOCUS I could get this done in half an hour, hour tops. But no. I'm freaking reading my own blogs, instead of working on the essays that could change the course of my summer.

Ugghhh. Whhhyy so many questions?

I want to go to Camp, but ... if I means spending any more time searching Bible passages about drinking and lust ... They're both bad. I get it.

Leadership

So, I just figured out that I think I can post some things of my life on my internet space at school. Oh, how far your tax dollars are going ...

I just finished making a Power Point presentation for a banquet-esque type thing going on tomorrow night. It's called 'Dinner and Dialogue,' and it's a few hours dedicated to awarding student leaders on campus. Of most interest to me is the fact that "my" Emerging Leaders graduates will be recognized. So, I got to put together a little schpeel and presentation, saying what we've done over the past semester, and thanking everyone for their hard work in making our program possible.

So for those of you who are wondering what the heck I did on my Thursday nights for the past three semesters of my life, here's a good look.

PS - Imagine this slideshow playing to the tune of "Swingtown" by the Steve Miller Band :)

https://mywebspace.wisc.edu/xythoswfs/webui - just click on "Documents" and then on "D n D Slideshow" - you'll have to save it to your computer if you want to view it.

I'll be back some other time, when it's not almost two in the morning ... that clock is wrong for some reason.