Annnnd ... Scene.

When the clock flips to A.M. at midnight tonight, a new season of life will begin. It's a change, for sure.

I go from exams. To Camp. To Madison. And now ... to real, bona fide, school. Lectures. Readings. Discussions. The papers, oh goodness, the papers. And it almost feels like I never left.

Just when you get used to one thing, it drifts right into the next.

I feel like I hardly got a handle on my summer. So many things went unsaid, so many letters went unwritten, so many opportunities just ... missed. I almost left Wautoma with a lot of regret. As incredible as my summer was, as jam-packed, adventurous, hilarious, spontaneous, fulfilling as it was, I still spent most of my summer brooding with a heavy, doubting heart. And that made it so, SO hard to leave. How could I leave, when things were just getting started? When I was finally ready to dive in headfirst?

I'm not sure what changed. All I know is that from the last Tuesday night to the last Thursday morning of the summer, I didn't do much sleeping, but I did do a lot of crying, and a lot of praying. Somewhere out on the middle of the lake, the morning I was to leave, things started to make sense. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why, but I do know that God speaks to us in ways that we can't even begin to comprehend. He comforts us when nobody else has a clue, He points us in directions we wouldn't have gone on our own, and leads us to places of assurance that we never would have reached without Him.

It took a whole summer, but in those last hours, I was able to breath a sigh of relief, and know that it hadn't been for naught. The moments of despair and the moments of elation were blended together to create an experience that was entirely human. We're full of contradictions, us humans, but God (whatta Guy) is working through those experiences, working through those ups and downs, to draw us nearer to Him (even if we don't realize it) and bring His kingdom into fruition.

Whew. So that was my summer. It was a lot to learn.

Then I left there ... and life became BUSY.

I was in Canada ... (this picture was actually taken on the way back from Canada, at Pictured Rocks National Park in the Upper Penninsula)

And I was in Madison, cleaning the House of Horrors, complete with moldy walls, paint-stained floors, and the "Closet O' Piss." Even opposums. It's been hectic, to say the least. But, this crazy old house has brought a lot of fun opportunities to get to know my roommates better and learn some new skills and become just a wee bit more independent.

I was thinking about the concept of moving recently. I seem to do it quite a bit. I went from the dorms, to an apartment, to a house, with a few sandy cabins to fill the months in between. Each time, with the execption of Camp, I bring a little bit more STUFF with me. It's becoming quite annoying, to say the least. (Whenever I move, I always feel like I should become a minimalist, selling all my worldly possessions to the poor and living in a box, or something.) Each time, though, my place of residence becomes a little bit more like home, and it makes me all the more anxious to have a home of my own one day. Complete with cute dish sets and more Ikea furniture, naturally. On second thought, maybe minimalism isn't the way of life for me ...

I guess it reminds me of the road to heaven. We're here on this earth, gaining more and more "baggage," if you will. Not baggage like the bad kind that people talk about when they talk about relationships, but like, life experiences. We carry these around with us, day by day acquiring more, and we're supposed to be collecting the things that will make our earthly tents, our earthly bodies, a little bit more like our ultimate heavenly mansion and our glorified bodies. We're supposed to be acquiring more kindness, more compassion, more humility, and each day, we're supposed to be feeling a little bit closer to our heavenly residence, where we can finally snuggle up in front of the eternal fire on that Swedish-made couch with that classy heavenly throw-pillow.

It's a sloppy analogy, but when you spend a few hours a day caulking and painting in an unventilated basement, you have a lot of time to think.

Oh, you're not supposed to paint and caulk in an unventilated basement?

Oh. That explains a lot.

Grace and peace to you all in this new season of life!

Summer Is Dead.

I'm trying to figure out how I'll ever get excited for anything ever again ... all that I can think about is Camp and how I'm not there and how there is nothing that would make me happier than to be there, now, with the people I love, doing the job that I love.

Sweet, Sweet Summer

Well, I never had to click my heels three times, but I came to the same realization as Dorthy did: there really is no place quite like home.

I'm not gonna lie - it's been excellent spending some time in the real world. Camp is great for when society sucks, and society is great when you're sick of having black snot. (For whatever reason, dirt / sand gets everywhere at camp ... even in your nasal passages? ... weird, I know.)

My last week of camp was pretty stellar. Leading photography turned out to be a blast (we did lots of trick photography and they made stories out of their pictures). Despite the mixed nature of my cabin (various grade levels, all sorts of different speciality focuses), they were waaaay fun. I really enjoyed having the older kids: they're a little easier to relate to, and you can just chat with them during downtime instead of having to teach them a new game or song every 4.2 seconds. They pose different challenges though: they loooove showering, they love boys, and they're just at a really awkward age where they really want to be older and more independent but aren't quite there. Regardless, I had a great week with them.

The week was memorable for a few other reasons, e.g., seeing my boss hit my Prayer Partner with a 10 lb. plastic ball of ice ... in the face. Needless to say, it didn't turn out too well for Miss Jones.

6 stitches later, she's still beautiful to me.

I also got to see my sister that week. Her and Matt came up to scope out Wisconsin, and Jen made a stop in Wautoma to hang out with her very pregnant best friend. It was fun seeing her then, but I'd get to see her more in the week ahead.

After I left camp on Saturday, I pretty much headed straight down to Summerfest. It's always a bit of a culture shock coming out of Wautoma, and that was pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum. Summerfest, however, was great: I got to see one of my favorite bands (Lifehouse) and I hung out with Tracy ... and some of her bridal party! Yes, folks, my best friend is getting married to Doug, her "high school sweetheart." (I hate that phrase, for the record.) She asked me to be her maid of honor that day, and I gave a very enthusiastic YES. I am so excited for them!! I cannot wait for that wedding!!

Some other highlights of my week back home included spending nearly a whole day sleeping on Sunday, and then heading to church at St. Marcus and having some downtown excursions with some Ukraine friends; totally pampering myself on Monday - massage, pedicure, the works; traveling to Chicago with Jen and Matt for the 3rd of July fireworks on Tuesday; running a 5k with my family in New Berlin on the 4th of July, and then hanging out at Grandma & Grandpa's (and trying to learn how to swim ... ). The night of the 4th was quite relaxing; I got to hang out with my friend Laura, and we just sat on our porch swing and chatted ... to me, it reminded me of summers of yore: the night air, the fireflies, hearing fireworks in the distance ... ahhh ...

Jen and Matt left early yesterday, which was sad for us. I kept busy, however, trying to catch up on some stuff that I'd let slide over the summer.

It's sad to me that this week went by so fast. If you know me, you'd know I'm a real sucker for relaxation, so I'll have to get back into that hardworking mindset. Hopefully, though, I'll be rested and ready to go for the next half of the summer. With any luck, it'll be even better than the first half!

And, I might have thrown out this plea earlier, but I'll say it again: If you know any kids looking for an awesome week of spiritual growth and unforgettable experiences, send them to Camp Phillip!! We still have openings that we'd love to fill. : )

Well, I'm out to work on some stuff for the fall ... I already got a syllabus emailed to me ... gross ...

Taking a Breather

Finally, finally - a weekend. It's only been three weeks or something, but it feels like it has been forever. It felt sooo nice to just take a nap, read some Harry Potter, and now, hang out in the air conditioned basement of the registration building updating you folks on my life.

This past week was somewhat intense, much more for some than me. I don't really know how some are still going ... This is just an interesting week in general for us staff. It's made up of two half weeks: from Sunday to Wednesday, 2nd to 4th graders. From Wednesday to Sunday, 6th through 8th graders. I counseled the first half of the week. The kids were so little! Some of them were the cutest things I have ever seen ... others were, well, a little whiny. They all took extreme amounts of patience and constant entertainment (in the attempt to ward off homesickness like the plague), though. It was really fun, I thought, but also incredibly tiring.

Truthfully, I was really grateful to be put on Program Staff for the second half of the week. For one, the staff is just worn out from not having a break. For two, it's a rough, rough week. It's for the kids who should be able to go for a whole week but can't ... it's pretty much filled with homesickness, whiners, kids with problems ... a whole barrel of monkeys. It's also a small week, so we had a lot of non-counseling staff. That meant, for those of us without cabins, it was a rather relaxing couple of days. I myself was so grateful for it, but my prayers were with those who didn't get that time to wind down. I ended up doing a little bit of photography, a little bit of cleaning, and I helped to plan closing campfire and an evening game. It was a nice break.

I wish I could keep a book of the funny things I hear kids say. There's a lot, but I can't remember them anymore ... maybe I'll write them down and you can be amused someday as well...

Coming up next, we've got Specialty Week. I'm leading photography specialty for the second year now, just as clueless as I was last year. I've also got a cabin, so it'll be a busy week. I'm looking forward to it, though!

Speaking of which, I want to do some planning for that ... sending my love!

Love This Place

Ahh ... Camp. Good stuff, good stuff.

I have no idea what to say. My mind is like, not all here. I'm just so tired. And there's sooo much to say!

Last week was Jr. Staff Training. It was grand! My cabin was comprised of a lot of different people, but we ended up getting along and I was just so pleased with the outcome of the week. I was so incredibly nervous before they got here - more nervous than I ever have been with a cabin! Jr. Staff is a big responsibility, I feel. They may expect a lot out of their week, and I wanted to give them a good experience. I pray that God worked through me and helped me to be a positive influence on their lives. That's just what I really wanted to be.

It was also great to see my family last weekend. Mom and Dad brought up Kristen and her friend (and Izzy) and I got to eat with them and hang out. Eating in Wautoma, always an experience. : )

Omigosh, this is the worst blog ever right now. I'm just going to stop because all my creative energies have been used up in the last week. They have to replinish themselves when I'm not not ready to fall asleep for 21 hours straight. Sorry for the lack of updates or excitement, don't worry, it will come someday!

Love to all.

Feelin' SALTy

Hello to my friends and family!

Wow, I've already been at Camp for almost two weeks. But, it almost feels like I never left. The staff is already well-bonded, and the daily routine will be engrained into me soon enough.

We have not had any campers yet, but we have had almost a week of ropes course training, and we are over half-way through with SALT (Summer Adult Leadership Team) Training. It's an important week, a rather mentally exhausting week, and one of the only times throughout the summer that we just get to BE with each other, to be with adults for more than an hour or so.

Ropes went well; it was more of a review for me since last year but I got to do a few more difficult things, such as "taking down" all the equipment after the day at ropes was over. It was pretty freaking scary to me (being up 45ish feet in the air connected to nothing but my own devices wrapped around the telephone pole while trying not to drop $200 dollars worth of equipment ... difficult to explain), but I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. Hopefully I'll be a little more useful out there this year.

It's been a little hard for me to get into the swing of things this year, for whatever reason. I think last night helped a lot, though. Every year, there is a tradition that each staff member, on the last day or so of Camp, writes a letter to the next summer's staff, giving out pithy advice or reminiscing on some of their fonder memories. And, last night, we read those letters from last summer. I wasn't that excited to hear mine, wondering if it would be too sappy or too long (it was), but God really strengthened me through hearing the things that I wrote last year, oddly enough ... Last summer I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy, and the devil was really eager for me to take a few steps back and feel the same way, if not worse, again. But God triumphed last night, and I was reminded that I don't have to worry about feeling ill-prepared, ill-equipped, or just ... not good enough. Psh, I don't have to worry about a thing: the only way I have any worth is through Him working through me. It's not me making an impact on campers or staff, and it's not my job to worry about how my efforts are recieved. I am just an instrument, glad to be used by God in whatever way He so chooses.

He has it more figured out than I do.

With that said, I believe that my time here on the Wautoma Library internet is running short (we got an unexpected break today - we were supposed to be doing high ropes, but apparently there's like, the storm of the century brewing in Central WI, so we decided that ropes just might not be the best idea for today ...) but I just wanted to keep you all updated. I'm alive and well, and looking forward to keeping you posted on more stories throughout the next few months.

If you get the chance, please remember me and my coworkers in your prayers. Please pray that the devil does not get a foothold 0n the staff here this summer by convincing us of our insufficiencies or dividing us by petty differences. Also pray that God would keep us all united in purpose, as well as prepare the camper's hearts for their week at camp, that He would do amazing things in their lives for that short time they are with us. Also pray that God gives me the strength to make it through each week, helping me fully dedicate myself to edifying the lives of His little lambs.

I would ask for your support for this ministry in general. I myself know the power it can have in a person's life, and I so desperately wish that Camp Phillip can continue, by the grace and power of God, to make an impact on the hearts of His children.

Thanks for taking the time ... God bless till next time!

Cue the Frolicking Fairies, It's Springtime at Last!

'Ello friends!

It's been awhile! And here we are - almost at the end of the school year! Honestly, who would have thought? It truly seems like I just got back from Camp and was buying my books for the Fall ... and now I'm headed back to Camp, and turning in my books from the Spring. For meagre, meagre amounts of money ... oh, the turnover that the University Bookstore gets.

Mmmm ... so spring is CERTAINLY in the air, and I can't get enough of it. Today, before I got my study on, I was lucky enough to join my roommate Shanti and our friend Ed for some brunch on the Capitol Square and some wandering around the Farmer's Market. (Which, for the record, is my new most favorite thing about Madison. I can't believe I hadn't experienced it before!) I absolutely aaaadooore (catch the 'It Takes Two' reference) Madison in the spring. Truly, truly my favorite things in the world. Or up there, at least.

Speaking of which, I was just reminded of a favorite quote by CS Lewis from the Screwtape Letters (an excellent read, folks, an excellent read).

Humans live in time, and experience reality successively. To experience much of it, therefore, they must experience many different things; in other words, they must experience change. And since they need change, [God] ... has made change pleasurable to them ... but since He does not wish them to make change ... an end in itself, He has balanced the love of change in them by a love of permanence. He has contrived to gratify both tastes together in the very world He has made, by that union of change and permanence which we call Rhythm. He gives them the seasons, each season different yet the same, so that spring is always felt as a novely yet always as the recurrence of an immemorial theme.

Perhaps that is indeed one of the beauties of spring: the newness of it, and yet - the newness that is alway somehow the same. Love it, love it. Spring's always been good to me ... there's just something about driving with the windows down for the first time, not having to walk out the door with two sweatshirts and long johns on, smelling the lilacs in the air and watching the trees burst with blossoms seemingly overnight ... ya just can't beat it.

It's been an interesting school year, and in a way I'm sad to see it go. I'll totally miss my apartment and the relatively easy schedule, Shanti's cooking and late night dance parties ... but, I'm also pumped for my camping trip, Camp (even if I'm still wondering where on earth I'll get that energy from), and for coming back for another year in Madison. The house next year should be fab, and I'm looking forward to getting more involved in Campus Crusade and leading a Bible study at the Chapel / Student Center. Who knows - maybe I'll even get a job. We'll see ...

Random: Shanti and I have decided as of late that I totally need to visit her in India over Christmas. (Needless to say, I've been doing a little airfare searching instead of looking up which Greek hero was inadvertently boiled by his own children.)

Well, it looks like it's time for some dinner, Harry Potter, and possibly, possibly more studying. Eh, my exam's not till three tomorrow ... I've got time ...

Spring Break, Sparknotes Version

Hey everyone!

So, it's been awhile since a blog update. I'm sick of writing my paper (I've written a whole paragraph today ... it's probably time to call it quits anyway ... right?) so this seemed like the next most logical option. (I acutally have no idea how I get anything done at the rate I work at ...)

Right now I'm exasperated beyond belief! It's been very hard to get into the swing of things lately. Granted, it's only been three days since my Spring Break adventures, but my mind is still everywhere but here in Madison. Frankly, I would just rather waste away my days swooshing down the Rocky Mountains or lollygagging on the Atlantic Coast.

A recurring them in my life is RESTLESSNESS. BOREDOM. Sometimes I feel like I'm not content if I'm not going, if something new isn't happening. I realize not all news is good news, and yeah yeah, "one day I'll look back and these and think they were the best days of my life" and blah blah ... but I'm soooo over this whole "college" thing. I feel more and more like it's just not for me. There's very little, if anything, that I learn in my classes that I couldn't learn on my own by swinging by a local library. Or looking on Wikipedia. (PS - I LOVE Wikipedia.)

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy learning. Lectures aren't the worst part of college. Sure, sometimes it's hard to stay focused, but for the most part I enjoy at least two of my classes. Ironically enough, those are not my English classes. Praise God, I'm switching my major! I just really can't stand my English classes, and I've had it up to HERE with analyzing stuff written by dead guys putting up with my insane professors. I LOVE reading and stories, and I LOVE metaphors and finding the meaning in something ... but I could care less about hearing someone debate with themself about a meaning that is clearly not implied by the text for an hour each morning. It's like all my professors have split personalities. ("Well, it could mean this ... OR ... it could mean this ... OR it could mean the author was gay ... OR it could mean this text was couterrevolutionary" OR I could punch you in the FACE and that would solve this problem real quick.)

I digress.

It's also hard because I know what I want to do, I know where I want to go ... and I'm here. And my education isn't bringing me any closer to what I really want to do. I know I just need a degree and it really doesn't matter what kind of grades I get and yada yada ... but the fact that I'm busily stationary is driving me mad. I'm sure I'm probably "missing the point" or something, but it's hard to see the big picture when all I want to do is get out into the world.

I wish I could just take correspondence classes for the rest of my degree. All I would need is a laptop ...

Anyway. Enough of my ranting and raving. What's been happening lately? For starters, I had the most amazing Spring Break ever. Higlights, Cliffnotes style?

• Breathing in the mountain air!! Ohhh -- I love it out West!! I was born in the wrong place!!
• Learning how to ski!! It was amazing! I loved it! (But I need to stop getting expensive hobbies ...)
• Hanging out with Chuck Norris ... yup ...
• Getting hit on by the Ski Patrol men who had to come fetch me off a mountain ... oh, fun times ...
• Finally getting some long overdue time with my long lost best friend Tracy
• Feasting ... feasting ... feasting ...
• The magic man at the sports bar during the National Championship
• Meeting new friends in the airport and on the plane to Boston
• Getting to see Chrissy for the first time since Christmas Break!
• Getting an up-close and personal look at Chrissy's Bentley College (at East Coast school - so charming!)
• Learning to navigate the "T" (their underground) and understanding the layout of the city
• Touring the Museum of Fine Arts (free on Wednesday nights!) and the Isabelle Stewart Gardner Museum (Old lady collects art, dies, and they turn it into a museum. That lady had way too much time on her hands ... but it was very cool)
• Rummaging through Filene's Basement (designer clothing for cheap!) and seeing what seemed like the world's largest Borders and H&M ... heavenly.
• Prancing around the Haaarvard Green, throwing frisbees and wearing backwards baseball caps (because that's what college kids do, right?)
• Spending time with other Camp friends Callie, Bethany, and Beth (back all the way from Europe!) completley dominating the entire Freedom Trail (State House, Old North Church, site of the Boston Massacre, Paul Revere's House, USS Consitution, Old City Hall ... I don't even know. But we did it all. But we couldn't find the Corner Bookstore. We decided it was bought out by Borders. Probably was.
• Having a wonderful "Dinner and a Show" experience (Check out "Shear Maddess." Way funny Boston original.)

I realize this stopped being the condensed version ... but let's just say that Park City and Boston were grand. I was blessed to spend time with old family and friends, met a few new interesting folks along the way, saw some more of America the Beautiful, crossed out FOUR of the 1000 Place to See Before I Die (The Canyons, Isabelle Stewart Gardner, Freedom Trail, Legal Seafoods - I SAW Legal Seafoods, I just didn't EAT there, because it was crazy expensive. But the book isn't called 1000 Places to TASTE Before You Die ...)

These links might work for pictures:

Utah: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205262&l=e4f93&id=8629006

Boston Part 1: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205376&l=e8a5f&id=8629006

Boston Part 2: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205465&l=5ec50&id=8629006

Well, I think that about covers it. You poor folks have spent a lot of time reading this already. I feel bad that I missed everyone for Easter, but I was there in spirit. Amen! Jesus is risen! And I guess if school sucks, I've still got that going for me! Love and miss you all!

Here's To You, Karl Marx

Wow, it's actually been a while since I wrote, but it definitely doesn't feel like it! February and March marched right along, and now we're nearing April. Who would have thought it, really?

Right now my brain is sort of fried.

I'm on a mission today, to write five pages of a ten page paper. For many people, this is a menial task, but I acutally hate writing papers. I'm not sure if any of you knew that about me. I hate it. It doesn't help that it's a critique of French Marxist philsopher Louis Althusser's Ideological State Apparatuses. And then I'm supposed to theorize about the political implications of his model of subjectivity and create my own model. Or something. I have no idea. It's actually amazing that I've written close to three pages already, because I a) don't care about this person at all, b) don't care about this class at all, c) have no idea what he is saying.

Well, I have one up on Mr. Althusser: I didn't strangle / murder my wife and die in a mental institution. But, I might have ended up in one if I had not taken a break from writing. That's what this theory stuff does!!! IT MAKES YOU CRAZY. AND THEN YOU KILL YOUR WIFE.

The people that I have studied this year are not normal. They all like, hang out with each other and die weird deaths together. Ugh.

Luckily, Spring Break is upon us! FOUR MORE DAYS! FOUR MORE DAYS! Then I get to go to UTAH and BOSTON and be cultured and have fun and travel and be awesome all around.

Also luckily, my roommate just called me and is having, a quote, "fashion crisis." Well, I'd rather help her with the fashion crisis than write anymore.

Hopefully I don't strangle anyone on my way to the mall.

Letting the Kid Out

Oh, the happiness that Sabbath Friday brings.

FYI - Sabbath Friday is a day that I designate to rest, relaxation, reading for fun, fellowship, service, the Bible, prayer ... basically, whatever I want, as long as it's enjoyable and focused on furthering my relationship with God or others.

So anyway. My Fridays are always outstanding. I always come away from them feeling very refreshed and invirgorated, and more eager to dedicate my life to my Lord and loving others. Last Friday was especially exceptional. I was finishing up the Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brendan Manning, which I would recommend to anyone looking for a "fresh" (yet wholly "original") perspective on grace and its place in our daily lives - it's a great read. Manning has a lot of wonderful insights; he seems like a wizened man, a man who I would like to chat with next to a fireplace in an overstuffed armchair. (And his picture on the back cover makes that vision all the more enticing.) However, he accumulates a lot of his wisdom from others. The book is laden with quotes and poems from those who have gone before. So anyway, near the end of the book was this quote from the poet Samuel Ullman, and it really made me stop and think:

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease ... nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young."

In light of my recent "Oh my gosh I'm getting too old" mindset, this passage was comforting and uplifting. I think it's pretty much applicable to all of us; we've all watched life pass quickly before us, and it's troubling to see the children within us subjected to the cares of the world and to the pressures of time. But, it brought me back to the number one thing I learned from my dad: "Always let your kid out." Even though our physical child grows up and tends to get beat up by the experiences of life, the kid inside is infinite, always seeing the joy and the sunshine of the world instead of the clouds that so often fog our vision.

So even though our decades here on earth seem to be rapidly accumlating, it certainly does not have to be the end of fun, or the end of the incredible blessings that God offers to us each and every day.

I hope that everyone reading this will be struck by wonder today, and I hope we can all learn to take the time to think about things the way our "kid inside" would.

Blessings and love!

The Last 20 Minutes

Right now, it is 11:40. I have twenty minutes left to be a teenager.

I'm very sentimental about things like that. I love countdowns, anniversary's, and the like. Why? Not quite sure.

I remember my 13th birthday ... It was fun! It was a hotel party, how could a hotel party not be fun, really? And there was my mom, with her hand in the door ... and all us girls freaking out. Oh, good times. Of course, there was teenage girl drama - there usually was.

And now - my first step into those life-changing years as a twenty-something ... and it's SO unmonumental. I spent my day trying to convince myself to do things that will be better in the long run, though it would forfeit short-term "happiness" and allow me to handle things non-confrontationally. (I guess it's mature and all, but I don't like it. Nope. Nope I don't.) And I spent my night being crabby and stressed and oh-so-tired, racking my brains trying to write a paper that I really don't care about. Talk about a good way to end my teenage existence. (Well, perhaps it is emblematic of my later teenage years ...)

Perhaps, in 13 minutes, sparks will fly, fireworks will explode, people will come streaming into my apartment, with noise-makers and food (hopefully it won't be cake - I'm pretty sick of the cake) and champagne or something. And a live band, naturally.

Now we're down to 11 minutes. 11 minutes left to be crazily emotional, immature, silly, boy-crazy, giddy, hormonal, pimply, a dangerous driver, snotty, skinny, foolish-but-acting-wise, rebellious, spontaneous ...

Do those traits ... just ... go away? Cuz a part of me wants them to stay.

Now I'm getting nostalgic. I really want to be a teenager again. Well, okay, I really want to be 21, but I also wouldn't mind staying 18 forever (notice the allusion to a song popular when I was 16). People always glorify childhood. Dude, that was good times too, don't get me wrong. But what's so bad about getting your heart broken, only to fall in love again two weeks later? Or what's so bad about feeling free for the first time you get to drive alone or with your best friend? What's not to love about the afternoons when classes where out? Remember the well-defined social groups, and having summers free to do nothing but read or stay out on trampolines and star-gaze?

Four minutes.

Four minutes, and I shall enter that world of graduating (only to go to school again), job-finding (only to realize you hate your job), and husband-finding (only to realize that his breath smells really bad in the morning).

I should mention, I'm really not that cynical. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the next years of my life. In fact, they could be even better than the last decade or so. I'm so excited for what's in store for me, but ... it's nice to look back and see what you've had. It wasn't always fun. In fact, a lot of times it was downright lousy. But, in the last analysis, I grew up. I became more of myself.

And there's something to say for that.

The Big 2-0

I've been wanting to update this thing forever now. I wanted to talk about the New Year, about Urbana, about the excitement of a new semester and the anticipation I have for Camp and the desire I have to go on missions ... but, I haven't.

And now, we are already two months into the New Year. Christmas break (and all its drama) seems like ages ago. Urbana is a distant memory (a great memory, but distant), and life has been zipping along, the way it usually does.

Life is so great right now I almost feel guilty. I'm so content in my apartment, with my amazing roommates. I'm so excited for the spring and the summer, happily anticipating the memories and growth that Camp will bring. I'm learning a lot in school, and though I'm always bogged down with reading and papers, I generally enjoy what I'm studying. (Though, I do hate my Theory class. The only reason I stayed in it was because the professor was quite good looking. Is that a poor motive?)

Of course, there are always little bums along the way. I've had to deal with everything from relationships (or the lack thereof, or, more accurately, the ever-present desire for the lack thereof) to roommates (past and future) to my consistently inconsistent plans for my summer and for my future. Despite these curveballs in the game of life, I wake up every day feeling so blessed, because learning to hit curveballs makes you a better batter, and I know that at the end of the day I'll look over the field with satisfaction, knowing that I played my best and that the team's going out for ice cream.

My apologies for the lame analogy.

But in all honesty, I have been so blessed. It feels so good to wake up every day, knowing that God will give me the strength to handle whatever life throws in my direction. I've been working hard to be bold, to be open, to cultivate relationships. Sometimes, when all that lies ahead is four more boring lectures, that's what gets me out of bed - the fact me being at this school, at this place in history, is not coincidental. I'm working more and more to make the most out of this time in my life, because there's a lot of despair on this campus. There's a lot of people who just need a smile, but there's many more who just need a Savior. I hope that I can bring that happiness that I have to other people's lives.

It's crazy to think about how much God has revealed to me about himself in my 19th year of existence. I'm pretty excited to see what the 20th has in store for me!

Side note: There are 368 days till I can drink. Allllright. ; )

Application Schmapplication

I'm so sick of writing this application. I have ADD right now. If I would just FOCUS I could get this done in half an hour, hour tops. But no. I'm freaking reading my own blogs, instead of working on the essays that could change the course of my summer.

Ugghhh. Whhhyy so many questions?

I want to go to Camp, but ... if I means spending any more time searching Bible passages about drinking and lust ... They're both bad. I get it.

Leadership

So, I just figured out that I think I can post some things of my life on my internet space at school. Oh, how far your tax dollars are going ...

I just finished making a Power Point presentation for a banquet-esque type thing going on tomorrow night. It's called 'Dinner and Dialogue,' and it's a few hours dedicated to awarding student leaders on campus. Of most interest to me is the fact that "my" Emerging Leaders graduates will be recognized. So, I got to put together a little schpeel and presentation, saying what we've done over the past semester, and thanking everyone for their hard work in making our program possible.

So for those of you who are wondering what the heck I did on my Thursday nights for the past three semesters of my life, here's a good look.

PS - Imagine this slideshow playing to the tune of "Swingtown" by the Steve Miller Band :)

https://mywebspace.wisc.edu/xythoswfs/webui - just click on "Documents" and then on "D n D Slideshow" - you'll have to save it to your computer if you want to view it.

I'll be back some other time, when it's not almost two in the morning ... that clock is wrong for some reason.

Change O' Plans

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

Change of plans. Surprise!

I don't think that I should even write a blog every time my plans change; I would have way too many entries. But I just thought it was funny. My grand scheme lasted a whole ... week. Bummer.

My wise advisor is now leaning me away from the School of Ed. Reasons?

• It will take me at least five and a half years for Undergrad. And I could have a B.A. and a Masters in the same amount of time
• It's a total gamble. She's seen people with better GPA's than me get rejected. Then I've wasted two years of my life completing dozens of "un-used" credits
• I won't get to keep the Honors degrees that I've already / am completed / completing
• For as much time as you're putting into it, you only get one major. They won't let you graduate wtih a degree in English (even though you've completed all the necessary requirements for the English major itself) and English Education (even though you've completed all the requirements for English Education itself). Trippy, I know.

All it is is Red Tape. Stupid beaurocracy that's keeping me from what I want. It's frustrating, because I know I'm entirely capable of doing this, but to me it's a whole lot of hoops to jump through.

What now? Well. I was thinking about maybe getting out nice and easy in four years. And then getting my Masters in Education. That way, I'll know how to teach. I'll know a lot about English. I'll save lots of time, time that can be spent doing other fun things. I'll have one more plaque to put on my wall. And, if I'm teaching at a WELS or Christian school or whatever, you mostly don't need a teaching certificate. I sorta looked at the credentials of some of the WELS teachers around the synod. If they didn't go to MLC, there were a bunch that got their undergrads and masters from big universities (a couple from Madison, even). So I know at least that it's theoretically possible.

And, if I don't get a job, I will mooch off my father and travel the world. Kidding.

Sorta.

Heh.

Yay for the liberal arts!!

Who needs practicality when you're a well-rounded person with an eccentric father?

Paradigm Shift

It makes me sad to think that just a few posts ago, I was at Camp. Summer seems like a million years away. I miss it. I need it back.

I got a taste of Camp last weekend. I was so thankful for it. I've been trying so hard to put things into perspective lately, but it's been really difficult to do. When you're surrounded by noise, people, to-do lists, and deadlines, it's so easy to forget what's really important.

Being at Camp also made me realize how far I've gone since summer. I used to ... do things for people. Jump around and be crazy. Laugh. Now I ... focus on myself. Collapse into bed whenever I get the chance. Sigh. The teen retreat taught me more than anything that I need a change of perspective, and it also gave me hope that I could attain one. It reminded me that God's not so far off - He's even closer than an hour drive to Camp. And it reminded me that this whole big thing called life isn't about me. I forgot that for awhile - so now it's time to put my epiphany into action.

I've been praying for guidance lately, and I'm just hoping that God's plan reveals itself soon. I hate waiting. Right now I would like to:

• Work on cranking out my English major and the School of Ed pre-reqs
• Maybe plan a trip for before Camp, just so that I can quench my thirst for travel
• Work at Camp and have the time of my life next summer
• Live in Madison next year (in a cute house that I am working on finding right now!)
• Take opportunities to travel and / or serve others during school breaks
• See where in the world God takes me for Summer '08

So, as you can see, I am hoping to get into the School of Ed. (I have to work out credits with my advisor as soon as possible, because otherwise I'll be in college for at least 14 years. Which is fine if you're getting three or four Ph.D's, but not if you're just getting an undergradate diploma. I'm not okay with that. ) But it'll be a difficult feat - they only let in 15 people per year to their English Secondary Ed program, and it's the No. 1 in the nation. But, if I keep on the route that I'm on, I should be okay. The advisor I spoke to was very optimistic - he told me it was a big decision to make, but that if I decided that I truly wanted to go that route, they would be very pleased to have me. Obviously, that was really cool to hear. It would be nice to have a professional degree from the top school in the country.

I'd rather not go into the work force right away. I have dreams of maybe doing something like Teach for America, the Americorps, or the Peace Corps. That's a long way off, but I think any of those things would be really great ways to help others and have some adventures in the process. Or else I could do some other kind of humanitarian aid or a mission trip or something. I'm keeping my options open; I'm just not a 9-5 kinda girl.

Before all that, however, I'm just gonna try to do what I can here. I'm looking into tutoring, day-care jobs, school positions, and the like for next semester. There are Tons of options, so it's just a matter of sifting through the information and finding a job / internship / volunteer opp that works for me. I'm also going to apply to be Writing Fellow (basically, a glorified peer editor who's really fancy shamcy and works hard and gets paid) while also sticking it out with SLP in another capacity now that my Committee Chairship is ended. (Emerging Leaders ended on Thursday! So sad! It's taken up a year of my life, and now my resume is calling out, wailing that it is empty and needs to be filled with activities to take up my time ... )

I guess that's all I've got for now. I'm getting tired and am probably going to call it a night soon. I've just got a week and a half and then I'll be home for Thanksgiving! My stomach is already growling ... oh my goodness, I can already smell the pumpkin pie ...

School = Life

Hey guys!

I'm feeling pretty lazy right now. I've decided the homework is out of the question on this particularly cold Friday; I'm just killing some time before some friends come to town. Eating (again) and then the Badger Hockey home opener! Should be a good time. I'm very excited!

It's been quite awhile since an update, as is ususally the case. School has been rather rapacious toward me lately ... I'm just not getting a break. No breathers in sight, either. I haven't even been doing that many outside of school activities; I'm more or less just trying to stay on top of classes, which are consistently trying to take over my life. Don't get me wrong - I'm loving what I'm studying. I enjoy going to most of my classes and think my professors are basically brilliant (though a few have a slight God complex, which is to be expected here ... ). But they just like to push us really hard. Or maybe I'm the only one who's being pushed hard. Whatever it is, I've been working my butt off to little avail: I got a B on my Journalism paper and a C on my Shakespeare exam, and usually have no idea what's going on in my amazing Lit class. (I love it, but most people are too smart for me! Too smart or just really good at BS-ing, which I think is closer to the truth.) On the other hand, I got a B+ on the Botany (well, pseudo-Botany, because we really don't talk about plants. We mostly talk about the social implications of plants) exam that I didn't study at all for. Maybe I should make my living studying plants. BLAH! It just sorta sucks when you study stuff that you enjoy and should be good at, but you're just not doing as well as you would like. And I can't study any harder. I really can't. So, we'll just see how the final grades come out. I think that most professors grade on improvement. I can only hope ...

In other news. Well, there's not really much other news, seeing as school = life. But, I was ill for awhile. Really ill. I had a nice little bout of pneumonia. I basically didn't move from Sunday to Tuesday afternoon. And then my roommate drove me to the bus that drove me home. And then I tried to go to class on Thursday morning and my Professor was kind and said, "Nikki. Go home and go back to bed." I was so happy! And then I slept most of Thursday. And then I took two midterms on Friday. It was interesting. Needless to say, sleeping all week makes a busy week much faster and less stressful! I should get sick all the time before midterms. Then I could totally justify bad grades!

Well. I guess I'm out. Maybe I should change my clothes before I meet up with my friends. Things like showers and appearance simply just fall out of priority around midterms. It happens. It's Friday. What do you expect?!

Love.

Back to School

Wowza. So, my apologies for never updating this thing. In my defense, I have a few excuses. Such as living in three different places over the course of approximately one and a half to two weeks. Or moving into an apartment. Or starting college (again). Man, these things are time consuming!

Good news: I'm all caught up with homework! Unfortunately, that's not much of an accomplishment, seeing as I've only had one class. And, mark my words, that's probably the last time you will EVER hear me say that again this semester.

Camp seems like a million years away. I've been trying to keep it close to my heart by playing camp songs on the guitar, writing messages to people, looking at the pictures, jotting down inside jokes, and most importantly, working on the "Camp Shrine," complete with pictures and song lyrics and memories from the summer. (I'm afraid it has now been put on the back-burner; I just didn't seem to have the time to finish it before school started, which is a little upseting.)Camp still lives on a little, though. For one thing, it taught me how to manage my time much more effectively, which I've been putting into practice since I've gotten back to school. I haven't really been messing around on the internet or watching mindless TV. I've also made it a point to stay active and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. And my stomach has been loving this eat-healthy thing I've been trying - the camp food all summer was what convinced me that good food makes you feel really good too. (Thanks, sister. You'd be proud of me and my salmon.) I've also kept in touch with people, which has helped things stay fresh in my mind as well.

More importantly, I've been trying to stay in the Word and talk to God a lot, which really makes all the difference in the world. I miss Camp most of all for that - solitude, alone time with God. You have to search harder for it here, and it's certainly not in the pristine wilderness that we've got up there. But, I guess God lives in Madison too. :) And, I've gotten so accustomed to singing all the time that I'm even thinking about joining Gospel Choir. I know, you guys are all falling off your chairs with laughter right now, but I'm pretty set on it! (My roommates convinced me ... !)

Now it's back to routine time again. Starting schedules is always difficult, but I think organization in the beginning of the year helps a lot later on. I'm certainly trying to fit a lot in! There's planning and teaching Emerging Leaders; Student Leadership meetings and committee work; church, Primetime (weekly Campus Crusade gathering/worship), and Bible study; Gospel Choir, tutoring middle schoolers (if it works out); working out; taking care of the apartment and myself; hanging out with friends and roommates; sporting events, and oh ... I'm missing something ... oh, right. Classes. I had almost forgotten. Well, those classes will certainly be an inconvienient addition to my college experience. Good gracious. It looks awful when I write it out like that. Maybe I won't think about it!

Funny story of the day: I was sitting around before my English seminar started, just chatting to some of the other people around the discussion table. One was a junior, one was a senior, and both were English majors. And then they laughed a me when I said I was taking two English classes this semester. "Oh, that's rough. Good luck on having a life." Wait a minute ... we're English majors! Isn't that what we're supposed to do?! Take English classes?! I knew it would be bad, but sheesh ... We'll see how the semester goes! Looks like it will be intense.

Well, I should get going. I think I will hang out with my roommates for a little bit before I retrieve my cousin from his job in Middleton. Aaadaaam ... why are you depriving me of sleep!? That's okay, I really don't mind. :)

I miss you all and wish you God's blessings at home!

Summer Runs Down

Crusher is dyyyyying.

Crusher is being cruuushed.

Oh, right. You guys don't know my new self. The really hardcore self. Or, the self that is still not that hardcore at all but has an ironically hardcore nickname. Get it? Haaa.

So WHEN did the summer decide to have four days left? I'm really confused. All I have is a half week of counseling left. Just the little 2-4 graders. They can either be SO cute or SO annoying. Last week I had the annoying kind. They got better, but sometimes little children really piss me off. Is that a bad quality as a counselor? Oh, don't get me wrong. I love em. But gosh, do you have to ask EVERY DAY what we are doing after Bible study?! WE"RE GOING TO CLEAN OUR CABINS, just like we have FOUR days!!! So many questions. All the time. All you really have to do as a counselor is know a schedule and tell the brats what you're doing next. Okay, sorry, I'm really tired. I'm not actually that mean all the time. Really.

Oh, the lovliness of 3rd-5th weeks. You've got the new kids, often coming to Camp for the first time. They always have ailments, like stomachaches. ALL THE TIME. Or twisted ankles. NEVER FAILS. Or bug bites. GET OVER IT. Or, in my case this week, panic attacks plus all the above. Cute kid, but honestly, pull yourself together. You're not going to die in a boat. Unless you're in the Titanic, then you might. But we don't have ocean liners in the Upper White River Mill Pond. Just rowboats. That's all. You'll be okay. BREATHE. Then there's the constant wetness and dirtiness. You really might as well just not shower. (Well, okay, basically I didn't. No news there. Haven't shaved in a good three weeks either. Meh, it's sleep or shaving. Something's gotta give.) We get thrown in the lake, doused with GALLONS of ICE COLD WATER at Campfire when it is approximately 55 degrees outside at 9 at night, slimed with gallons of icey, old, green-dyed apple sauce. (Alright, I'll say it again: I DO NOT LIVE A NORMAL LIFE! And that is completely okay with me!) Then there's the random tangents ... Where do these thoughts come from? It makes me confused. All in a day's work! :-)

As tired as I am, as low as my patience is running, as much as I am craving just reading on a couch or taking a nap, you will have to pry me away from this place. Leaving on Wednesday is going to be AWFUL. You can't make me.But I'll write more reflectively on that later. Camp deserves more than a three line paragraph.

The next days of my life will be packed: Campers, cleaning Camp like crazy (oh, good aliteration Nikki), packing up my life, driving to Madison, unpacking my life, meeting my parents and moving in, going back "home" (what's home anymore, really ... ?), and hoping that I will catch up on sleep, friends, and naps before going to SCHOOL. I'm just a little confused, because I'm pretty sure I just left school.

Alright, my time here is running low. Looks like a movie is commencing!

Love, as always.

Program Staff Adventures

Exhaustion.

It's been an innnsaaane two weeks! So great, but so insane. Let's re-cap my two weeks of Program Staff:

Week One:

Successful Campfire, on the "Intergalactic Recieving and Transmitting Agency of the Milky Way and Other Galaxies." (i.e., see how loud I can scream as I lead "Rooted," and watch me get doused with a bucket of cold water. :) Always entertaining.) Successful devotion on being covered in the dust of your Rabbi. Successful evening game, where the kids go on a quest across the galaxy to gather data chips for the US Space Station. 20 sessions of Outdoors Sports, led with varying success. (It's sooo hard to think of stuff to do sometimes ... ) But hey, I survived! And I was wet the entire week. Kids like hoses, let me tell you.

Week Two:

Successful Campfire, on the Love StorE. I was Trudy Love, and me and my husband, Jaun Love, even found Matthew love because of the good potions sold we at our storE. So fun. I also had Photography Specialty ... hmm. I'm not sure how that went. Seeing as I knew nothing about 35mm film or really what's involved in taking pictures, it could have gone much worse than it did. This week was so incredibly filled with last minute planning for Photography, leading it rather hestitantly (I tried really hard, I really did.), eating lunch, then heading down for Ropes all afternoon. I enjoy Ropes, but it's hard to stay motivated doing it for app. 20 hours in a week. And it was hot. So hot that I cried on the first day as I tried unsuccessfully to set up a ladder for my Ropes "boss," Amy. Okay, that ladder was heavyyyyy. Then we laughed, cuz I'm so pathetic. Luckily, the weather cooled down and my muscles got used to working again, so the rest of the week went much better. The highlight of the time at Ropes was getting a little autistic boy, Matthew, a few steps up a pole. I was so proud of him just for trying because he had been so scared. So I had another devotion on Wednesday. This one was difficult. Nothing was striking me about the passage, and after trying for a long time to get something down, I went to clear it with the big guy, Matthew. Hmm. While meeting with him, we came to the conclusion that it was best to scrap it entirely and start over - 2 hrs before campfire, with one of them spent on SALT Growth (a wonderful time every Wednesday, for the entire SALT Staff to get away for an hour and be with each other). I was incredibly nervous, seeing as this was rather close-cut. Matthew sent me out with a passage from Exodus, where God tells Moses not to worry, because He would give him the words to say. I laughed and knew everything would be okay. I went out by myself for awhile, and the devotion started to come to me. Then Growth was an absolutely amazing worship service and communion, leaving almost everyone crying at the end. Wow, I loved it, and it was amazing encouragement. Despite the fact that I wrote most of my devotion during Campfire, it went very well and I was quite pleased. God pulls through again in the clutch!

Well, it looks like the library is kicking me off the internet. Boo. It's time to get the laundry ...

Peace out, all.