Letting the Kid Out

Oh, the happiness that Sabbath Friday brings.

FYI - Sabbath Friday is a day that I designate to rest, relaxation, reading for fun, fellowship, service, the Bible, prayer ... basically, whatever I want, as long as it's enjoyable and focused on furthering my relationship with God or others.

So anyway. My Fridays are always outstanding. I always come away from them feeling very refreshed and invirgorated, and more eager to dedicate my life to my Lord and loving others. Last Friday was especially exceptional. I was finishing up the Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brendan Manning, which I would recommend to anyone looking for a "fresh" (yet wholly "original") perspective on grace and its place in our daily lives - it's a great read. Manning has a lot of wonderful insights; he seems like a wizened man, a man who I would like to chat with next to a fireplace in an overstuffed armchair. (And his picture on the back cover makes that vision all the more enticing.) However, he accumulates a lot of his wisdom from others. The book is laden with quotes and poems from those who have gone before. So anyway, near the end of the book was this quote from the poet Samuel Ullman, and it really made me stop and think:

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease ... nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young."

In light of my recent "Oh my gosh I'm getting too old" mindset, this passage was comforting and uplifting. I think it's pretty much applicable to all of us; we've all watched life pass quickly before us, and it's troubling to see the children within us subjected to the cares of the world and to the pressures of time. But, it brought me back to the number one thing I learned from my dad: "Always let your kid out." Even though our physical child grows up and tends to get beat up by the experiences of life, the kid inside is infinite, always seeing the joy and the sunshine of the world instead of the clouds that so often fog our vision.

So even though our decades here on earth seem to be rapidly accumlating, it certainly does not have to be the end of fun, or the end of the incredible blessings that God offers to us each and every day.

I hope that everyone reading this will be struck by wonder today, and I hope we can all learn to take the time to think about things the way our "kid inside" would.

Blessings and love!

The Last 20 Minutes

Right now, it is 11:40. I have twenty minutes left to be a teenager.

I'm very sentimental about things like that. I love countdowns, anniversary's, and the like. Why? Not quite sure.

I remember my 13th birthday ... It was fun! It was a hotel party, how could a hotel party not be fun, really? And there was my mom, with her hand in the door ... and all us girls freaking out. Oh, good times. Of course, there was teenage girl drama - there usually was.

And now - my first step into those life-changing years as a twenty-something ... and it's SO unmonumental. I spent my day trying to convince myself to do things that will be better in the long run, though it would forfeit short-term "happiness" and allow me to handle things non-confrontationally. (I guess it's mature and all, but I don't like it. Nope. Nope I don't.) And I spent my night being crabby and stressed and oh-so-tired, racking my brains trying to write a paper that I really don't care about. Talk about a good way to end my teenage existence. (Well, perhaps it is emblematic of my later teenage years ...)

Perhaps, in 13 minutes, sparks will fly, fireworks will explode, people will come streaming into my apartment, with noise-makers and food (hopefully it won't be cake - I'm pretty sick of the cake) and champagne or something. And a live band, naturally.

Now we're down to 11 minutes. 11 minutes left to be crazily emotional, immature, silly, boy-crazy, giddy, hormonal, pimply, a dangerous driver, snotty, skinny, foolish-but-acting-wise, rebellious, spontaneous ...

Do those traits ... just ... go away? Cuz a part of me wants them to stay.

Now I'm getting nostalgic. I really want to be a teenager again. Well, okay, I really want to be 21, but I also wouldn't mind staying 18 forever (notice the allusion to a song popular when I was 16). People always glorify childhood. Dude, that was good times too, don't get me wrong. But what's so bad about getting your heart broken, only to fall in love again two weeks later? Or what's so bad about feeling free for the first time you get to drive alone or with your best friend? What's not to love about the afternoons when classes where out? Remember the well-defined social groups, and having summers free to do nothing but read or stay out on trampolines and star-gaze?

Four minutes.

Four minutes, and I shall enter that world of graduating (only to go to school again), job-finding (only to realize you hate your job), and husband-finding (only to realize that his breath smells really bad in the morning).

I should mention, I'm really not that cynical. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the next years of my life. In fact, they could be even better than the last decade or so. I'm so excited for what's in store for me, but ... it's nice to look back and see what you've had. It wasn't always fun. In fact, a lot of times it was downright lousy. But, in the last analysis, I grew up. I became more of myself.

And there's something to say for that.

The Big 2-0

I've been wanting to update this thing forever now. I wanted to talk about the New Year, about Urbana, about the excitement of a new semester and the anticipation I have for Camp and the desire I have to go on missions ... but, I haven't.

And now, we are already two months into the New Year. Christmas break (and all its drama) seems like ages ago. Urbana is a distant memory (a great memory, but distant), and life has been zipping along, the way it usually does.

Life is so great right now I almost feel guilty. I'm so content in my apartment, with my amazing roommates. I'm so excited for the spring and the summer, happily anticipating the memories and growth that Camp will bring. I'm learning a lot in school, and though I'm always bogged down with reading and papers, I generally enjoy what I'm studying. (Though, I do hate my Theory class. The only reason I stayed in it was because the professor was quite good looking. Is that a poor motive?)

Of course, there are always little bums along the way. I've had to deal with everything from relationships (or the lack thereof, or, more accurately, the ever-present desire for the lack thereof) to roommates (past and future) to my consistently inconsistent plans for my summer and for my future. Despite these curveballs in the game of life, I wake up every day feeling so blessed, because learning to hit curveballs makes you a better batter, and I know that at the end of the day I'll look over the field with satisfaction, knowing that I played my best and that the team's going out for ice cream.

My apologies for the lame analogy.

But in all honesty, I have been so blessed. It feels so good to wake up every day, knowing that God will give me the strength to handle whatever life throws in my direction. I've been working hard to be bold, to be open, to cultivate relationships. Sometimes, when all that lies ahead is four more boring lectures, that's what gets me out of bed - the fact me being at this school, at this place in history, is not coincidental. I'm working more and more to make the most out of this time in my life, because there's a lot of despair on this campus. There's a lot of people who just need a smile, but there's many more who just need a Savior. I hope that I can bring that happiness that I have to other people's lives.

It's crazy to think about how much God has revealed to me about himself in my 19th year of existence. I'm pretty excited to see what the 20th has in store for me!

Side note: There are 368 days till I can drink. Allllright. ; )