2007: Revisited

Everywhere you look, you'll find signs of the times: after-Christmas sales, year-end closeouts, the debate over Time's Person of the Year (hopefully this year's won't be a joke like last year's), the best and worst dressed ... it's all rather silly, but, we're humans. We like reflecting. We like knowing where we come from, and where we're headed in the future.

You know, the news will talk about the big stuff (or the completely obnoxious stuff - frankly, I could care less what Britney Spears did this year ...). But those stories come and go, and will have little importance in our lives in a few weeks. The things that remain close to our hearts, though, are the things that happen to us. The small victories, the happy memories. I thought I'd take a few moments to reflect upon some of the things that happened in my own life. Let the countdown, begin!

January:

• Kick off the New Year in St. Louis, MO at the Urbana Missions Conference, ringing it in with worship and prayer with close college friends (Supporting the "W" Movement - Whatever, Whenever, Wherever ... For Jesus!)
  

• Spend break driving around in my "sweet new ride" and watching a lot of LOST and Lord of the Rings with my camp loves
• Have an amazing dinner party with the Euchre Crew, some of the greatest people EVER

• Get hired for SALT Staff at Camp Phillip for a second summer
  
• Take my first ever impromptu cross-country road trip to our nation's capital! (This was huge, guys. Huge. As Jones and I like to say, "A Formative Experience.")
  

February:

• Turn the Big 2-0! (And was kind of depressed about if for awhile. I got over it. Jones' Brownie / Cigar cake really helped.)

• Deal with crazy-awful Theory class and want to bash my brains out
• Get lost in a parking garage
• I get my lost duffel bag back from a Maryland Police Department!
  

March:

• Get snowed in ...
  
• Take a mini-vacay in Naples, FL to relax with the fam and celebrate Jen's birthday

April:

• Get sick of school and change my major to Comm Arts. Does this surprise you?
• Try my hand at skiing at the Canyons in Park City, UT with Tracy, the whole fam, AND Chuck Norris ...

• ... and continue the best Spring Break of my life by visiting Chrissy in Boston along with other Camp girls (shown below after completing the entire Freedom Trail!)
  

May:

• Help host another excellent dinner party, this time for my roommate Shanti's 20th ... but then had to say goodbye to my amazing apartment : (

• Dominate final papers and exams
• Go on a hardcore camping and canoing trip with the high school girls to the Kickapoo River Valley

• Kick off Summer '07 at Camp Phillip! We're RUNNING WILD ... "I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free." (Ps. 119:32)

June:

• The summer trucks along - Ropes Course Training, SALT Staff Training (seen below at the SALT Opening Banquet), Jr. Staff Training, Family Fest ... and finally, finally campers!
  

July:

• Find out about Tracy's engagement - AND become her Maid of Honor!
  
• Spend some time at home: Relax with friends and family, head to Chicago for the 4th of July, and attend Summerfest
  
• Hang out at the Ropes Course and play camp photographer for a few weeks on Program Staff - and enjoy Kristen's company during her time on Jr. Staff (Below: Me playing photographer, Kristen on Ropes)
  

• Fake counsel a Teen Camp for a half week, and then take a 36 hour road-trip to freaking New Ulm, MN and Rapid City, SD ... Mt. Rushmore or Bust!

• Revel in the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the most anticipated book to ever find its way into my hands. Finishing the series was DEFINITELY one of the highlights of the year! (Seen below at the Midnight Release Party in Steven's Point)

August:

• Have an insanely fun Outdoor Adventure Cabin - go climbing at Devil's Lake, celebrate Hippie Wednesday, AND build a raft

• Get dominated in a all-staff mud-fight ... we don't need any more pictures of that floating around the internet ...
  
• Spend one exceptional week in Jackson, WI for Day Camp

• Say goodbye to Camp : (
• Road-trip to Marquette, MI and Ontario, Canada for one last hurrah with Camp friends - we camp, we kayak, we climb around on rocks, we drive (a lot), and we jump off sand dunes. Good times.
  

• Move into a new house in Madison!

September:

• Spend endless hours fixing a new house in Madison! (Seen below giving up valuable lung tissue to evil caulk ...)

• Start classes ... again ... and switch my major ... again - back to English!
• By God's grace, Grandpa Johnson gets a second lease on life
  
• Have an AMAZING Camp reunion in Madison for the Iowa / Badger game. Who games a damn about the whole state of Iowa?!

• Head back up to Wautoma for a smashing good Pirate themed Teen Retreat ... yarr!

October:

• Venture down to Shreveport, LA to visit Doug in the Air Force with Tracy and Ann. A non-Camp adventure?! SHOCKING.
  

• Witness another Packer victory at Lambeau with the family

• Celebrate the marriage of Elliott and Karen Kasprzak with - you guessed it! - Camp folk

November:

• Have an amazing urban ministry experience in the Twin Cities
• Take another trip to the Twin Cities a two weeks later to cheer on the Badgers at the Metrodome - fancy dinners, hott waiters, and foam fingers included!

• Celebrate Thanksgiving AND early Christmas with the family

December:

• The House gets in the Christmas spirit by hosting an Elf party and putting up decorations galore!
• Together, the roommates brave papers, finals, and blizzards ... lots and lots of blizzards ... mostly by procrastinating, and sometimes by trips to Dairy Queen
  
• The House celebrates the Joyous Day of Feasting by, well, feasting!
  
• I return home for the holidays and survive all final papers in the nick of time ... another semester, down.
  
• The family celebrates Christmas

• I make this non-exhaustive list, which turned out to be quite the exhausting process ...

I must say, I myself didn't even realize what all went into this year ... I'm shocked, really.

In this year, I traveled through or visited 16 places: Illinois and Missouri; Illinois again (what a pity), Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia (very briefly, I believe), Maryland, and D.C.; Florida; Utah; Massachusetts; Minnesota and South Dakota; the UP and Canada; Louisiana; and Minnesota again, a few times, for good measure. I had never been to 10 of them, so that is very cool for me.

I read some amazing books: The Ragamuffin Gospel, Through Painted Deserts, Harry Potter, Velvet Elvis, A Severe Mercy, Searching for God Knows What ... there are more, but those were some of the more life-changing ones. Really. Books change lives.

I had made such incredible memories with my friends, whether we were taking on the world or sitting on the couch, doing everything or doing nothing at all. Camp friends, high school friends, college friends ... how blessed am I!?

Despite being gone so much, I was able to spend time with my family this year. Vacations and time home, seeing new sights and keeping old traditions. It's really quite beautiful, and again, I am so blessed. I certainly don't deserve the life or the loved ones that I have, but God is so incredibly gracious.

And, through all this, I think God has brought me into a deeper relationship with Him. Yeah, I suck. I screw up all the freakin' time. I hurt the people that He's brought into my life, I worry about stupid things, and I don't always make time with Him the priority that they should be. And yet, He has taught me a lot about loving people - and therefore, a lot about what it means to follow Him. I can't begin to imagine what 2008 will have in store, but if it's half as good as what I've known, I'll be blessed indeed.

The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
Ecclesiastes 1:5

Jeepers, Creepers!

My poor Jeep. The wintery blasts of weather that we've been having have been making good ole' Teddy (yes, it has a name - don't even judge me for naming my cars) quite cold! I needed to run some errands yesterday, and therefore had to dig my car out of piles of snow. It was rather inconvenient. Then, when I tried to brush the snow off the top of the car, I noticed that the entire roof was not just covered in snow, but a layer of ice over two inches thick! My arms are a little sore from breaking it all off ... Oh, the joys of winter in Wisconsin : )

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year! I had such a Christmas-y weekend; it was so fun!

Friday started out rather domestic ... just a lot cleaning the messy house, but the house that needed to look good with all our new Christmas decorations! But it ended up pretty amazing; Tracy came over from Milwaukee and we hit the slopes at Tyrol Basin, west of Madison in Mt. Horeb. It took us awhile and a couple of adventures to find our way (seriously, it's so hidden), but when we finally got there it felt so good to be on skis again ... though, it did take quite some time to feel even a little comfortable again. (Frankly, I'm more afraid of going out of control than of falling - so I did a lot of falling. And I forgot how to stop. And turn. And pretty much everything that you need to remember to ski successfully. Needless to say, I'm still sore. )

We ended our skiing adventures a little earlier than we would have wanted because it was just so cold, and I was so excited to just get back to my warm and cozy house. Unfortunately, I was just a little bit locked out. It was sad. Luckily, my roommates got back a few minutes later from the grocery store, and we commenced our Elf-watching party. I was exhausted, but happy I stayed up for the fun. There was hot chocolate and candles and CHRISTMAS SWEATERS, and, of course, cameras. Naturally, a photo shoot commenced:

(Notice the knit snowmen and the bells. Supreme.) I must say, we are so fun.

Things got even more fun the next day, if that is possible. I went out to breakfast with some high school friends, which was great. And then I went to the chiropractor. In the 10 minutes or so that it took me to get from the edge of campus to the chiropractor, it had snowed like, half an inch. So much for starting in the afternoon, right? When I got home I got some stuff done, but then said ... screw it. It's blizzarding. I want to snuggle. I got drawn into the living room when I found out Parent Trap was on (great film) ... I didn't move the rest of the day. Parent Trap was followed by Little Women, which was followed by Chronicles of Narnia, which was followed by High Fidelity, which was followed by Love Actually. WOW. WHAT A GOOD DAY!

A (mostly) Christmas movie extravaganza. Roommates came and went, but Jones and I remained constant. Well, it's not every day that you're snowed in before Christmas ... so let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ...

I <3 Madison

I had an experience yesterday that gave me a new appreciation for the fabulous University of Wisconsin.

I had acting class, as usual. But instead of hanging out in our classroom as usual, our teacher decided that it would be a good idea to move into a new environment ... you know, in front of an audience ...

We were led to the speaking platform on Library Mall, right at the beginning of State St. We did "trust" exercises with our scene partners. Sounds weird? It was, weirder than you can imagine. We were mirroring each other, making sound effects, contorting our bodies into strange positions ... and yes, all the while, crowds of students were making their way to their choice State St. establishments.

Then some kids went through their scenes. Acting on an outdoor stage, while the last of the fall leaves swirled around us.

I only have one question: Where are my dreadlocks?!

(PS: I'm sitting in my Rhetoric of Religion class right now. Professor Howard's advice for the day is: "If you get the opportunity to start a colony, make sure you name it after yourself." Thanks Howard. You're a wise man.)

Doin' Good in the Hood

It's not that rare for me to have a whirlwind weekend. In fact, they seem to happen more frequently than the mellow, boring kind - which I'm totally alright with. But, it IS pretty rare for me (and probably anyone) to have a perspective-altering, paradigm-shifting, life-changing kind of whirlwind weekend.

Well, then, consider this past weekend rare indeed.

I spent the past three days in the Twin Cities, working with an organization called Lateria. Lateria (pronounced La-TRAY-ya) is a non-profit org based in Southern Minneapolis. It caters to groups of all kinds - youth groups, college groups, church groups, etc. - and aims to provide them with short-term, immersion-based urban service experiences. I first heard of this org through the church I frequent in Madison, called Blackhawk. Blackhawk's college ministry sent out an email, telling students to sign up for a weekend trip. I thought to myself, "Self, you've sort of sucked at life lately. You live in a bubble, you don't do much for other people, and faith has become easy for you. It's time to move out of your comfort zone." So, against my better scholastic judgment (I have an exam, two papers, and a paper proposal due this week, non of which I have started), I decided to take the plunge into the cities. What?! I'm a Carow. I am most certainly an upper-class white female from New Berlin. I shop at the Gap. I go on ski trips. And I certainly don't operate in the inner city.

I'm not going to lie: I was nervous. I spent a lot of the morning saying sporadic prayers in my head ... God, make me sick. I don't really want to go anymore. God, I don't want to run into anyone smelly or anything. God, will you change me?

After meeting up with the group and caravaning five hours northwest, we pulled up to a pretty old-looking building in a dark street with more potholes than pavement. I could feel my prejudices coming out as soon as we gathered our stuff and made our way in: there was a young black kid with baggy pants, smoking near the door. I didn't fit in here. I didn't like it.

We walked in. There were teenagers everywhere. Playing basketball, yelling, laughing. Talking in Ebonics. I was about as far away from Wautoma as I could get. We were staying in a building I now knew as the Hospitality House. It's a building run by an organization (different from Lateria, but they do a lot of partnering) that puts on after-school programs and other things, like Midnight Basketball (which we were in the midst of) to get kids off the streets. After being introduced to our leaders and the program, we were put to work right away. When the kids come for midnight basketball, they also get served a free meal. My job? Frying sausages. It was my first step out of my comfort zone, as I do not eat pork. We served the kids their meal, and then got the change to just hang out with them. Our group hung out with two kids., chatting about sports and college. Then we watched some serious street ball. It was pretty much amazing. A kid named Bingo also introduced himself to us, showing off his card tricks. (Also amazing.) Why do they call him Bingo? Cuz, he "got game."

And that was Night One. Already, the scales over the eyes my heart were being removed.

We woke up early the next morning, commencing our day jam-packed with volunteer opportunities. After a continental breakfast, we hit the road in the 15-passenger periwinkle-blue van. Our first service opp was to an organization called Feed My Starving Children (check 'em out at www.fmsc.org), a non-profit funded almost entirely through private donations. There, I learned that

16,000

starving

children

die

every

day.

Every day. We spent two hours doing our part to stop this madness. Through the work of 60 volunteers, we bagged scoops of chicken, veggies, soy, and rice. Chicken, veggies, soy, and rice. Chicken, veggies, soy, and rice. Over and over. Items on a grocery store list for us, a life-saving meal for them. We packaged 70 boxes of this mixture, with 36 bags to a box, and 6 meals to a bag. 15,120 meals. 41 kids will eat for a year because of two simple hours of our time.

After a quick lunch and Bible study, we went out to the streets again. This time, we worked with a program called Good in the Hood. It's a program run by a pastor of a church in Minneapolis. Through referrals, this pastor finds about about people in the community who are strapped. Maybe they can't pay their rent that month, maybe their car broke down. Then, he emails out his congregation of Minute Men, who will drop what they're doing to help this person in need. He'll notify volunteer groups such as Lateria, and they can also send down help. This pastor got word that a woman who couldn't afford rent in her old apartment anymore, so she needed to move to a new one. But, she didn't have any family in the world to help her move. We all know how stressful and exhausting moving can be, and to not have any help would be downright overwhelming.

Now, did you get a mental image of this woman in your mind?

Did you picture an elderly black woman?

Yeah, me too.

Except, the woman we met was a red-haired, slender woman named Emily. She was in her 20's. It's that damn prejudice showing its ugly head again.

"And just who is my neighbor?"

Emily was enormously creative, her house was filled with musical instruments and art. With about 20 volunteers, we helped her move from one apartment to another in under two hours. Emily was not a believer, and we got to pray for her and bless her new home. Maybe, maybe ... for once, Christians left a positive impression on someone.

I was getting exhausted, but we carried on. Our next stop was called Mary's Place, a shelter for homeless families. It was a brand new building, a beautifully structured apartment complex. Not the dreary hell-hole I was expecting. We didn't have much time, but our "task" here was to hang out with kids. A couple of us met a small Asian boy in 7th grade. His name was Chewy. We met a burly, African-American kid, an eighth-grader named Shawn. After passing around a football for awhile, we decided we'd be game for a little two-hand touch. Chewy was all-time quarterback, and Shawn was playbook extraordinare; we pretty much mastered this reverse lateral play he thought of. I had so much fun just running around with them - it was absolutely heart-breaking to leave. These guys were just KIDS. Kids no different from the kids I play with all summer. Kids who happened to be born in rough situations. Kids who really just wanted to play football in their backyard, but didn't have a backyard to call their own.

And all I could think of was how I had a dad to play catch with me in the yard ... and here these guys were, waiting for a chance for some stranger to show up and pass a ball around with them ... only to leave again in a hour.

Our final service stop was at another shelter called People Serving People. It is funded federaly but run almost entirely by volunteers. Our job was to serve dinner. Somehow, I wound up with the task of candy passer-outer. Now, I haven't gone to school for this, but I thought I could manage. Little did I know that it was arguably the most difficult thing I'd have to do that day.

So, what do you think of when you think of a homeless shelter?

A shabby, run-down building filled with babbling drunks?

Yeah, me too.

Except ... it wasn't. It was a new building, filled with families. Kids ... everywhere. A one week old baby. A nine year old girl. A four year old boy. They were laughing, crying, running around. It was like Chuck-E-Cheese, minus the ... wealth, the whiteness. They were just children who didn't have a safe place to come home to at night, who didn't have a bed to be tucked into. And parents who were trying, trying ... but just couldn't seem to pull things together. Mothers ashamed to be walking down a line taking hand-outs again, fathers unable to provide for their babies.

I know this is getting long. But when you see things like this, when you look pain and despair in the face, you cannot be silent.

After dinner at an authentic Ecuadorian restaurant and a fun little scavenger hunt through a fun little place called Global Market, we went back to the H. House for some debriefing. After some relaxing (and digesting of massive burritos), we situated ourselves and watched a well-known documentary called Invisible Children. I knew that this film had been shown on campus at least once during my college career, but had never seen it. I knew it was very eye-opening, but had never been impacted by it myself. I was already emotionally drained after all I had seen and done that day, but was truly ill-prepared for the effect this film would have on me.

The Invisible Children movement was started by three college students who traveled to Northern Uganda to see the havoc in the war-torn country themselves. Armed with video cameras, they were looking for any story that presented itself to them. They found one - a story of children, children being abducted by rebel forces threatening to overthrown the government. After they are kidnapped and taken into the African bush, they are tortured and brainwashed into becoming soldiers, killing machines. The children who are left behind continue to face unimaginable horrors, and gather together nightly in a hospital because their own homes are unsafe from evil.

I'm a writer, and pride myself on using words to convey my messages to the world. But sometimes words can't cut it. Sometimes they can't show the agony of losing a loved one or the terror of another sleepless night. Now that I have seen these images, however, and have a deepened sense of understanding of the bloodshed in Uganda, it would be nothing short of a crime to stay silent. I want to tell everyone I know to explore the history of this overlooked crisis for themselves. Whatever you think about foreign policy or governmental spending is irrelevant, because this issue is one that is supremely human, one that can be stopped if we see our shared humanity and take action.

Perhaps your first step could be at
invisiblechildren.com
See for yourself the magnitude of this situation.

I wept that night, because I felt so helpless to do anything for these children, and for all the children I had seen throughout the day. But I found peace in the fact that these children are not invisible to my Father, nor is the evil in the world hidden to Him. He knows their agony, and is mighty to save. And he has not called us to do everything - because that's His job - but he
has called us to do something.

All these experiences, supplemented by an amazing service at an inner-city multi-ethic church, changed me deeply this weekend. I think that's the power of short-term missions. Perhaps I didn't do much this weekend. I did not change the world, and maybe I didn't even change one life. But the world changed me, and I can take that with me.

I'm not sure where these new experiences are going to lead me, but God often leads us in places we least expect it. If my future lies somewhere in the inner city, I'd ask for your support for me then. But right now, I'd just ask for your prayers for all those who touched my life this weekend, and for all those who need the light of God in dark places around the world.

Oh, the Places You'll Go

Apparently, it'll never sink in.

God tells me, "Don't worry about tomorrow ... each day has enough trouble of its own," and, "I know the plans that I have for you."

And yet, here I am, plotting and planning and scheming for the future, even though I know that things change almost every day.

I thought I'd live in this house next year ... ehhh, things might change.

Once I thought I'd be at Camp next summer ... ehhh, nope. Maybe San Diego? Yeah, maybe. Maybe Ocean City? Yeah, maybe. What about Calcutta? Or Cairo? Or going around the inner cities of America? Strangely enough, all those things are possibilities.

WHO KNOWS?!

It's truly kind of exciting, to see where I will end up. But, you'd think I'd learn to just let go, stop planning, and let God take over. Nope. I try to master the inconstancy of the world, and only end up being constantly defeated.

So, it's time to put this in the hands of God and trust that He has the best plan for me. It's not for me to worry about.

I Like My Coffee Black, Like the Color of My Soul

I've never felt so cultured and artistic as I have the past few weeks of my life.

It all started with Theater and Drama 150: Intro to Acting.

(My sophistication levels simply sky-rocketed from there.)

They were propelled along by Intergrated Liberal Studies 275: American Political Thought and Literature from Paine to Hemmingway.

(My gosh, I'm so ... scholarly.)

Essentially, I spent the greater portion of last week:

1. Brainstorming for a short story for Political Thought / Literature class
2. Going over my options for presenting a depressing, suicidal monologue for Acting

I spent yesterday:

1. Writing my short story at a favorite coffee shop on State St.
2. Attending the thea-ater to see Death of a Salesman
3. Practicing my suicidal monologue

I spent today:

1. Writing my short story and drinking tea while candles burned in our pseudo-fireplace
2. Reading Kerouac (for pleasure)

I've got the black beret, I've got the small black t-shirt, Ashley and I were talking about hosting a "Beat Poetry Night" at 22 S. Orchard.

Now, all I need is black coffee and cigarettes.

Black. Like the color of my soul.

(Notice the disjointed, post-modern style of this blog. It's supposed to represent the disjointed nature of humanity in which ... Oh, wait ... You don't understand what it's supposed to represent? I'm sorry. Then clearly you shouldn't be reading this blog. Because I'm agnsty and presumptuous and only talk with other people who wear black and drink coffee and snap their fingers instead of clapping. You wouldn't understand.)

Snap snap snap snap snap.

Ahoy!

Avast, me hearties! Me life-long dream of becoming a pirate was finally fullfilled! It wasn't easy thar, matey, but me thinks Cap'n Jack Sparrow would be proud! Yaaarrrr!!

Um, basically the Fall Teen Retreat at Camp this weekend was amazing. (It was Pirate-themed, for those whose skulls are just a little thicker than your Average Joe.) Now, sadly, I must sail away from the high seas of adventure and into the Harbor of Reality. Ohhh gosh. I miss summer. I miss Camp people. I miss my job. : (

The Kaleidoscope

Wow, what a weekend. I can't seem to summon the ambition to do anything besides sit in my wonderful bed and browse the internet in an ADD-type fashion. I think my short attention span is a symptom of utter exhaustion.

The Quick and Dirty Breakdown:

• Up early, skipped lecture on Thursday, eventually made my way out of the house to head back home (Oh, how I love driving back to Milwaukee after a long time away...)
• Hit up the mall and visited Tracy at Starbucks - and found out Grandma Frega isn't doing too well at all
• Sat through a cut / highlight appointment (So worth it because I Love my new hairstyle!)
• Visited an old, tired, and frail looking Grandma and tired visitors at her nursing home. So difficult.
• Up early the next day for a dentist appt. - nothing is acutally wrong with my tooth, but yet it still hurts. Grr.
• Got a pedicure ($25 that I never regret spending)
• Went out to lunch with Tracy (I'm no longer a Sushi Virgin! Yummy!) and spent the day shopping with her for wedding-ish type stuff. We bought her and Doug's wedding bands. I realized I desperately want someone to buy me a ring and take me away and marry me (there's probably a white horse involved somehow, too). Ha, that's wishful thinking if I ever heard it!
• Laid around the rest of the night, too pooped to move or do anything worthwhile. Did get to talk to Grandpa though, which I was happy about.
• Left Saturday morning for Madison again - Camp friends were in town!! HUGELY fun.
• Saw Madison at its finest - gorgeous day to wander State St., eat ice cream at the Terrace, and lay on Bascom. Crowds everywhere, fans excited. It's an experience like none other, and I'm so happy I got to share it with people I love so much.
• BADGER GAME. NIGHT GAME. SO FUN. It was looking scary for the first half, but we pulled through in the end. Omigoodness, I love my school.
• At least 25 people in our house after the game. WOW. Food galore, games of Warewolves, 6 people spooning on my bed ... it was mad chaos. And so fun.

And now I'm here. Exhausted. My room is a mess (if you can imagine). My brain is mush, and my body is rejecting the massive amounts of empty calories that were forced into it over the past four days. None of these things really facilitate reflection.

This weekend had its dark moments, and it had it moments of glorious, life-giving color.

There's no denying it: There's a lot of darkness in the world. There is the black sting of death and sickness, the grey tiredness that comes from deep emotions, the ugly hughes of stress that we feel when we are faced with the pressures of life and worry about how quickly time is moving past us.

But, there's also color. God didn't have to make the leaves turn into their kalidescope of reds and yellows and greens - but He did. He didn't have to make the skies and the waters deep, brilliant blues - but He did. He doesn't have to warm our faces with the golden rays of sunlight - but He does.

God doesn't have to give us the sensations of joy that we get when we are surrounded by those we love, but he does.

He doesn't have to love us, provide for us, desire us ... but He DOES. More than we will ever understand.

God casts away the dark shadows, replacing even the darkest things with the light and color of His presence.

Yeah, He's pretty cool.

The Sunday Scramble

Mmm ... Sunday. Nothing quite like coming back from church, bustin' out the sweatpants, and engaging in what I like to call the "catch up day" routine. Somehow, even though there's always a lot to do on Sundays, to me, they always seem a little bit more lazy than most days.

After a busy, back-to-business-as-usual week, and a jam-packed, people-filled weekend, it'll be good to have a few hours to regroup and get my game-face on for the days to come. There'll be classes and homework, meetings and stuff to do around the house. ... But, I'm happy to be heading home on Thursday and Friday, and looking forward to a whole house filled with Camp vistors next weekend. It'll pretty much be a mini-reunion, and I could not be more excited!

This weekend was a precursor to next: Karen took a break from wedding planning and came with Amber from WLC to hang out with us Madison folk. It was like a mini mini-reunion, and we girls had a good time hanging out in my bed, trying to figure out which members of the Baby-Sitters Club we are most like. Yeah, we're pretty cool. : )

Prior to their arrival, I also got to take some time to enjoy the beautiful weather and go on a bike ride after class on Thursday, and hang out with YoungLife and Campus Crusade people on Friday. (Photo Scavenger Hunt on State St. and dance parties!) I also had some time to get some stuff done around the house, which was nice - especially after not doing laundry for over a month.

Unfortunately, there was also some sad news this weekend. On Saturday morning, I got a message from my mom saying that Grandpa Johnson had had a massive heart attack. Luckily, he was able to get into surgery in the nick of time and is stable at this point. Of course, it was a scare that no family wants to have. If you could include him and my grandma and our family in your prayers, we would appreciate it very much. It is my prayer that the Lord would work in us through this and that His Name would be glorified in all circumstances.

Blessings to you all in the week ahead!

Pictures!

PS. Check out pictures from my summer on Picasa! http://picasaweb.google.com/nicole.carow/TheAdventuresOfSummer2007

Make sure you check out the "Map" feature; you can see sattelite images of where I've been!

Oh Google. You never cease to amaze me.

Annnnd ... Scene.

When the clock flips to A.M. at midnight tonight, a new season of life will begin. It's a change, for sure.

I go from exams. To Camp. To Madison. And now ... to real, bona fide, school. Lectures. Readings. Discussions. The papers, oh goodness, the papers. And it almost feels like I never left.

Just when you get used to one thing, it drifts right into the next.

I feel like I hardly got a handle on my summer. So many things went unsaid, so many letters went unwritten, so many opportunities just ... missed. I almost left Wautoma with a lot of regret. As incredible as my summer was, as jam-packed, adventurous, hilarious, spontaneous, fulfilling as it was, I still spent most of my summer brooding with a heavy, doubting heart. And that made it so, SO hard to leave. How could I leave, when things were just getting started? When I was finally ready to dive in headfirst?

I'm not sure what changed. All I know is that from the last Tuesday night to the last Thursday morning of the summer, I didn't do much sleeping, but I did do a lot of crying, and a lot of praying. Somewhere out on the middle of the lake, the morning I was to leave, things started to make sense. I'm not sure how, I'm not sure why, but I do know that God speaks to us in ways that we can't even begin to comprehend. He comforts us when nobody else has a clue, He points us in directions we wouldn't have gone on our own, and leads us to places of assurance that we never would have reached without Him.

It took a whole summer, but in those last hours, I was able to breath a sigh of relief, and know that it hadn't been for naught. The moments of despair and the moments of elation were blended together to create an experience that was entirely human. We're full of contradictions, us humans, but God (whatta Guy) is working through those experiences, working through those ups and downs, to draw us nearer to Him (even if we don't realize it) and bring His kingdom into fruition.

Whew. So that was my summer. It was a lot to learn.

Then I left there ... and life became BUSY.

I was in Canada ... (this picture was actually taken on the way back from Canada, at Pictured Rocks National Park in the Upper Penninsula)

And I was in Madison, cleaning the House of Horrors, complete with moldy walls, paint-stained floors, and the "Closet O' Piss." Even opposums. It's been hectic, to say the least. But, this crazy old house has brought a lot of fun opportunities to get to know my roommates better and learn some new skills and become just a wee bit more independent.

I was thinking about the concept of moving recently. I seem to do it quite a bit. I went from the dorms, to an apartment, to a house, with a few sandy cabins to fill the months in between. Each time, with the execption of Camp, I bring a little bit more STUFF with me. It's becoming quite annoying, to say the least. (Whenever I move, I always feel like I should become a minimalist, selling all my worldly possessions to the poor and living in a box, or something.) Each time, though, my place of residence becomes a little bit more like home, and it makes me all the more anxious to have a home of my own one day. Complete with cute dish sets and more Ikea furniture, naturally. On second thought, maybe minimalism isn't the way of life for me ...

I guess it reminds me of the road to heaven. We're here on this earth, gaining more and more "baggage," if you will. Not baggage like the bad kind that people talk about when they talk about relationships, but like, life experiences. We carry these around with us, day by day acquiring more, and we're supposed to be collecting the things that will make our earthly tents, our earthly bodies, a little bit more like our ultimate heavenly mansion and our glorified bodies. We're supposed to be acquiring more kindness, more compassion, more humility, and each day, we're supposed to be feeling a little bit closer to our heavenly residence, where we can finally snuggle up in front of the eternal fire on that Swedish-made couch with that classy heavenly throw-pillow.

It's a sloppy analogy, but when you spend a few hours a day caulking and painting in an unventilated basement, you have a lot of time to think.

Oh, you're not supposed to paint and caulk in an unventilated basement?

Oh. That explains a lot.

Grace and peace to you all in this new season of life!

Summer Is Dead.

I'm trying to figure out how I'll ever get excited for anything ever again ... all that I can think about is Camp and how I'm not there and how there is nothing that would make me happier than to be there, now, with the people I love, doing the job that I love.

Sweet, Sweet Summer

Well, I never had to click my heels three times, but I came to the same realization as Dorthy did: there really is no place quite like home.

I'm not gonna lie - it's been excellent spending some time in the real world. Camp is great for when society sucks, and society is great when you're sick of having black snot. (For whatever reason, dirt / sand gets everywhere at camp ... even in your nasal passages? ... weird, I know.)

My last week of camp was pretty stellar. Leading photography turned out to be a blast (we did lots of trick photography and they made stories out of their pictures). Despite the mixed nature of my cabin (various grade levels, all sorts of different speciality focuses), they were waaaay fun. I really enjoyed having the older kids: they're a little easier to relate to, and you can just chat with them during downtime instead of having to teach them a new game or song every 4.2 seconds. They pose different challenges though: they loooove showering, they love boys, and they're just at a really awkward age where they really want to be older and more independent but aren't quite there. Regardless, I had a great week with them.

The week was memorable for a few other reasons, e.g., seeing my boss hit my Prayer Partner with a 10 lb. plastic ball of ice ... in the face. Needless to say, it didn't turn out too well for Miss Jones.

6 stitches later, she's still beautiful to me.

I also got to see my sister that week. Her and Matt came up to scope out Wisconsin, and Jen made a stop in Wautoma to hang out with her very pregnant best friend. It was fun seeing her then, but I'd get to see her more in the week ahead.

After I left camp on Saturday, I pretty much headed straight down to Summerfest. It's always a bit of a culture shock coming out of Wautoma, and that was pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum. Summerfest, however, was great: I got to see one of my favorite bands (Lifehouse) and I hung out with Tracy ... and some of her bridal party! Yes, folks, my best friend is getting married to Doug, her "high school sweetheart." (I hate that phrase, for the record.) She asked me to be her maid of honor that day, and I gave a very enthusiastic YES. I am so excited for them!! I cannot wait for that wedding!!

Some other highlights of my week back home included spending nearly a whole day sleeping on Sunday, and then heading to church at St. Marcus and having some downtown excursions with some Ukraine friends; totally pampering myself on Monday - massage, pedicure, the works; traveling to Chicago with Jen and Matt for the 3rd of July fireworks on Tuesday; running a 5k with my family in New Berlin on the 4th of July, and then hanging out at Grandma & Grandpa's (and trying to learn how to swim ... ). The night of the 4th was quite relaxing; I got to hang out with my friend Laura, and we just sat on our porch swing and chatted ... to me, it reminded me of summers of yore: the night air, the fireflies, hearing fireworks in the distance ... ahhh ...

Jen and Matt left early yesterday, which was sad for us. I kept busy, however, trying to catch up on some stuff that I'd let slide over the summer.

It's sad to me that this week went by so fast. If you know me, you'd know I'm a real sucker for relaxation, so I'll have to get back into that hardworking mindset. Hopefully, though, I'll be rested and ready to go for the next half of the summer. With any luck, it'll be even better than the first half!

And, I might have thrown out this plea earlier, but I'll say it again: If you know any kids looking for an awesome week of spiritual growth and unforgettable experiences, send them to Camp Phillip!! We still have openings that we'd love to fill. : )

Well, I'm out to work on some stuff for the fall ... I already got a syllabus emailed to me ... gross ...

Taking a Breather

Finally, finally - a weekend. It's only been three weeks or something, but it feels like it has been forever. It felt sooo nice to just take a nap, read some Harry Potter, and now, hang out in the air conditioned basement of the registration building updating you folks on my life.

This past week was somewhat intense, much more for some than me. I don't really know how some are still going ... This is just an interesting week in general for us staff. It's made up of two half weeks: from Sunday to Wednesday, 2nd to 4th graders. From Wednesday to Sunday, 6th through 8th graders. I counseled the first half of the week. The kids were so little! Some of them were the cutest things I have ever seen ... others were, well, a little whiny. They all took extreme amounts of patience and constant entertainment (in the attempt to ward off homesickness like the plague), though. It was really fun, I thought, but also incredibly tiring.

Truthfully, I was really grateful to be put on Program Staff for the second half of the week. For one, the staff is just worn out from not having a break. For two, it's a rough, rough week. It's for the kids who should be able to go for a whole week but can't ... it's pretty much filled with homesickness, whiners, kids with problems ... a whole barrel of monkeys. It's also a small week, so we had a lot of non-counseling staff. That meant, for those of us without cabins, it was a rather relaxing couple of days. I myself was so grateful for it, but my prayers were with those who didn't get that time to wind down. I ended up doing a little bit of photography, a little bit of cleaning, and I helped to plan closing campfire and an evening game. It was a nice break.

I wish I could keep a book of the funny things I hear kids say. There's a lot, but I can't remember them anymore ... maybe I'll write them down and you can be amused someday as well...

Coming up next, we've got Specialty Week. I'm leading photography specialty for the second year now, just as clueless as I was last year. I've also got a cabin, so it'll be a busy week. I'm looking forward to it, though!

Speaking of which, I want to do some planning for that ... sending my love!

Love This Place

Ahh ... Camp. Good stuff, good stuff.

I have no idea what to say. My mind is like, not all here. I'm just so tired. And there's sooo much to say!

Last week was Jr. Staff Training. It was grand! My cabin was comprised of a lot of different people, but we ended up getting along and I was just so pleased with the outcome of the week. I was so incredibly nervous before they got here - more nervous than I ever have been with a cabin! Jr. Staff is a big responsibility, I feel. They may expect a lot out of their week, and I wanted to give them a good experience. I pray that God worked through me and helped me to be a positive influence on their lives. That's just what I really wanted to be.

It was also great to see my family last weekend. Mom and Dad brought up Kristen and her friend (and Izzy) and I got to eat with them and hang out. Eating in Wautoma, always an experience. : )

Omigosh, this is the worst blog ever right now. I'm just going to stop because all my creative energies have been used up in the last week. They have to replinish themselves when I'm not not ready to fall asleep for 21 hours straight. Sorry for the lack of updates or excitement, don't worry, it will come someday!

Love to all.

Feelin' SALTy

Hello to my friends and family!

Wow, I've already been at Camp for almost two weeks. But, it almost feels like I never left. The staff is already well-bonded, and the daily routine will be engrained into me soon enough.

We have not had any campers yet, but we have had almost a week of ropes course training, and we are over half-way through with SALT (Summer Adult Leadership Team) Training. It's an important week, a rather mentally exhausting week, and one of the only times throughout the summer that we just get to BE with each other, to be with adults for more than an hour or so.

Ropes went well; it was more of a review for me since last year but I got to do a few more difficult things, such as "taking down" all the equipment after the day at ropes was over. It was pretty freaking scary to me (being up 45ish feet in the air connected to nothing but my own devices wrapped around the telephone pole while trying not to drop $200 dollars worth of equipment ... difficult to explain), but I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. Hopefully I'll be a little more useful out there this year.

It's been a little hard for me to get into the swing of things this year, for whatever reason. I think last night helped a lot, though. Every year, there is a tradition that each staff member, on the last day or so of Camp, writes a letter to the next summer's staff, giving out pithy advice or reminiscing on some of their fonder memories. And, last night, we read those letters from last summer. I wasn't that excited to hear mine, wondering if it would be too sappy or too long (it was), but God really strengthened me through hearing the things that I wrote last year, oddly enough ... Last summer I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy, and the devil was really eager for me to take a few steps back and feel the same way, if not worse, again. But God triumphed last night, and I was reminded that I don't have to worry about feeling ill-prepared, ill-equipped, or just ... not good enough. Psh, I don't have to worry about a thing: the only way I have any worth is through Him working through me. It's not me making an impact on campers or staff, and it's not my job to worry about how my efforts are recieved. I am just an instrument, glad to be used by God in whatever way He so chooses.

He has it more figured out than I do.

With that said, I believe that my time here on the Wautoma Library internet is running short (we got an unexpected break today - we were supposed to be doing high ropes, but apparently there's like, the storm of the century brewing in Central WI, so we decided that ropes just might not be the best idea for today ...) but I just wanted to keep you all updated. I'm alive and well, and looking forward to keeping you posted on more stories throughout the next few months.

If you get the chance, please remember me and my coworkers in your prayers. Please pray that the devil does not get a foothold 0n the staff here this summer by convincing us of our insufficiencies or dividing us by petty differences. Also pray that God would keep us all united in purpose, as well as prepare the camper's hearts for their week at camp, that He would do amazing things in their lives for that short time they are with us. Also pray that God gives me the strength to make it through each week, helping me fully dedicate myself to edifying the lives of His little lambs.

I would ask for your support for this ministry in general. I myself know the power it can have in a person's life, and I so desperately wish that Camp Phillip can continue, by the grace and power of God, to make an impact on the hearts of His children.

Thanks for taking the time ... God bless till next time!

Cue the Frolicking Fairies, It's Springtime at Last!

'Ello friends!

It's been awhile! And here we are - almost at the end of the school year! Honestly, who would have thought? It truly seems like I just got back from Camp and was buying my books for the Fall ... and now I'm headed back to Camp, and turning in my books from the Spring. For meagre, meagre amounts of money ... oh, the turnover that the University Bookstore gets.

Mmmm ... so spring is CERTAINLY in the air, and I can't get enough of it. Today, before I got my study on, I was lucky enough to join my roommate Shanti and our friend Ed for some brunch on the Capitol Square and some wandering around the Farmer's Market. (Which, for the record, is my new most favorite thing about Madison. I can't believe I hadn't experienced it before!) I absolutely aaaadooore (catch the 'It Takes Two' reference) Madison in the spring. Truly, truly my favorite things in the world. Or up there, at least.

Speaking of which, I was just reminded of a favorite quote by CS Lewis from the Screwtape Letters (an excellent read, folks, an excellent read).

Humans live in time, and experience reality successively. To experience much of it, therefore, they must experience many different things; in other words, they must experience change. And since they need change, [God] ... has made change pleasurable to them ... but since He does not wish them to make change ... an end in itself, He has balanced the love of change in them by a love of permanence. He has contrived to gratify both tastes together in the very world He has made, by that union of change and permanence which we call Rhythm. He gives them the seasons, each season different yet the same, so that spring is always felt as a novely yet always as the recurrence of an immemorial theme.

Perhaps that is indeed one of the beauties of spring: the newness of it, and yet - the newness that is alway somehow the same. Love it, love it. Spring's always been good to me ... there's just something about driving with the windows down for the first time, not having to walk out the door with two sweatshirts and long johns on, smelling the lilacs in the air and watching the trees burst with blossoms seemingly overnight ... ya just can't beat it.

It's been an interesting school year, and in a way I'm sad to see it go. I'll totally miss my apartment and the relatively easy schedule, Shanti's cooking and late night dance parties ... but, I'm also pumped for my camping trip, Camp (even if I'm still wondering where on earth I'll get that energy from), and for coming back for another year in Madison. The house next year should be fab, and I'm looking forward to getting more involved in Campus Crusade and leading a Bible study at the Chapel / Student Center. Who knows - maybe I'll even get a job. We'll see ...

Random: Shanti and I have decided as of late that I totally need to visit her in India over Christmas. (Needless to say, I've been doing a little airfare searching instead of looking up which Greek hero was inadvertently boiled by his own children.)

Well, it looks like it's time for some dinner, Harry Potter, and possibly, possibly more studying. Eh, my exam's not till three tomorrow ... I've got time ...

Spring Break, Sparknotes Version

Hey everyone!

So, it's been awhile since a blog update. I'm sick of writing my paper (I've written a whole paragraph today ... it's probably time to call it quits anyway ... right?) so this seemed like the next most logical option. (I acutally have no idea how I get anything done at the rate I work at ...)

Right now I'm exasperated beyond belief! It's been very hard to get into the swing of things lately. Granted, it's only been three days since my Spring Break adventures, but my mind is still everywhere but here in Madison. Frankly, I would just rather waste away my days swooshing down the Rocky Mountains or lollygagging on the Atlantic Coast.

A recurring them in my life is RESTLESSNESS. BOREDOM. Sometimes I feel like I'm not content if I'm not going, if something new isn't happening. I realize not all news is good news, and yeah yeah, "one day I'll look back and these and think they were the best days of my life" and blah blah ... but I'm soooo over this whole "college" thing. I feel more and more like it's just not for me. There's very little, if anything, that I learn in my classes that I couldn't learn on my own by swinging by a local library. Or looking on Wikipedia. (PS - I LOVE Wikipedia.)

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy learning. Lectures aren't the worst part of college. Sure, sometimes it's hard to stay focused, but for the most part I enjoy at least two of my classes. Ironically enough, those are not my English classes. Praise God, I'm switching my major! I just really can't stand my English classes, and I've had it up to HERE with analyzing stuff written by dead guys putting up with my insane professors. I LOVE reading and stories, and I LOVE metaphors and finding the meaning in something ... but I could care less about hearing someone debate with themself about a meaning that is clearly not implied by the text for an hour each morning. It's like all my professors have split personalities. ("Well, it could mean this ... OR ... it could mean this ... OR it could mean the author was gay ... OR it could mean this text was couterrevolutionary" OR I could punch you in the FACE and that would solve this problem real quick.)

I digress.

It's also hard because I know what I want to do, I know where I want to go ... and I'm here. And my education isn't bringing me any closer to what I really want to do. I know I just need a degree and it really doesn't matter what kind of grades I get and yada yada ... but the fact that I'm busily stationary is driving me mad. I'm sure I'm probably "missing the point" or something, but it's hard to see the big picture when all I want to do is get out into the world.

I wish I could just take correspondence classes for the rest of my degree. All I would need is a laptop ...

Anyway. Enough of my ranting and raving. What's been happening lately? For starters, I had the most amazing Spring Break ever. Higlights, Cliffnotes style?

• Breathing in the mountain air!! Ohhh -- I love it out West!! I was born in the wrong place!!
• Learning how to ski!! It was amazing! I loved it! (But I need to stop getting expensive hobbies ...)
• Hanging out with Chuck Norris ... yup ...
• Getting hit on by the Ski Patrol men who had to come fetch me off a mountain ... oh, fun times ...
• Finally getting some long overdue time with my long lost best friend Tracy
• Feasting ... feasting ... feasting ...
• The magic man at the sports bar during the National Championship
• Meeting new friends in the airport and on the plane to Boston
• Getting to see Chrissy for the first time since Christmas Break!
• Getting an up-close and personal look at Chrissy's Bentley College (at East Coast school - so charming!)
• Learning to navigate the "T" (their underground) and understanding the layout of the city
• Touring the Museum of Fine Arts (free on Wednesday nights!) and the Isabelle Stewart Gardner Museum (Old lady collects art, dies, and they turn it into a museum. That lady had way too much time on her hands ... but it was very cool)
• Rummaging through Filene's Basement (designer clothing for cheap!) and seeing what seemed like the world's largest Borders and H&M ... heavenly.
• Prancing around the Haaarvard Green, throwing frisbees and wearing backwards baseball caps (because that's what college kids do, right?)
• Spending time with other Camp friends Callie, Bethany, and Beth (back all the way from Europe!) completley dominating the entire Freedom Trail (State House, Old North Church, site of the Boston Massacre, Paul Revere's House, USS Consitution, Old City Hall ... I don't even know. But we did it all. But we couldn't find the Corner Bookstore. We decided it was bought out by Borders. Probably was.
• Having a wonderful "Dinner and a Show" experience (Check out "Shear Maddess." Way funny Boston original.)

I realize this stopped being the condensed version ... but let's just say that Park City and Boston were grand. I was blessed to spend time with old family and friends, met a few new interesting folks along the way, saw some more of America the Beautiful, crossed out FOUR of the 1000 Place to See Before I Die (The Canyons, Isabelle Stewart Gardner, Freedom Trail, Legal Seafoods - I SAW Legal Seafoods, I just didn't EAT there, because it was crazy expensive. But the book isn't called 1000 Places to TASTE Before You Die ...)

These links might work for pictures:

Utah: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205262&l=e4f93&id=8629006

Boston Part 1: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205376&l=e8a5f&id=8629006

Boston Part 2: http://wisc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2205465&l=5ec50&id=8629006

Well, I think that about covers it. You poor folks have spent a lot of time reading this already. I feel bad that I missed everyone for Easter, but I was there in spirit. Amen! Jesus is risen! And I guess if school sucks, I've still got that going for me! Love and miss you all!

Here's To You, Karl Marx

Wow, it's actually been a while since I wrote, but it definitely doesn't feel like it! February and March marched right along, and now we're nearing April. Who would have thought it, really?

Right now my brain is sort of fried.

I'm on a mission today, to write five pages of a ten page paper. For many people, this is a menial task, but I acutally hate writing papers. I'm not sure if any of you knew that about me. I hate it. It doesn't help that it's a critique of French Marxist philsopher Louis Althusser's Ideological State Apparatuses. And then I'm supposed to theorize about the political implications of his model of subjectivity and create my own model. Or something. I have no idea. It's actually amazing that I've written close to three pages already, because I a) don't care about this person at all, b) don't care about this class at all, c) have no idea what he is saying.

Well, I have one up on Mr. Althusser: I didn't strangle / murder my wife and die in a mental institution. But, I might have ended up in one if I had not taken a break from writing. That's what this theory stuff does!!! IT MAKES YOU CRAZY. AND THEN YOU KILL YOUR WIFE.

The people that I have studied this year are not normal. They all like, hang out with each other and die weird deaths together. Ugh.

Luckily, Spring Break is upon us! FOUR MORE DAYS! FOUR MORE DAYS! Then I get to go to UTAH and BOSTON and be cultured and have fun and travel and be awesome all around.

Also luckily, my roommate just called me and is having, a quote, "fashion crisis." Well, I'd rather help her with the fashion crisis than write anymore.

Hopefully I don't strangle anyone on my way to the mall.

Letting the Kid Out

Oh, the happiness that Sabbath Friday brings.

FYI - Sabbath Friday is a day that I designate to rest, relaxation, reading for fun, fellowship, service, the Bible, prayer ... basically, whatever I want, as long as it's enjoyable and focused on furthering my relationship with God or others.

So anyway. My Fridays are always outstanding. I always come away from them feeling very refreshed and invirgorated, and more eager to dedicate my life to my Lord and loving others. Last Friday was especially exceptional. I was finishing up the Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brendan Manning, which I would recommend to anyone looking for a "fresh" (yet wholly "original") perspective on grace and its place in our daily lives - it's a great read. Manning has a lot of wonderful insights; he seems like a wizened man, a man who I would like to chat with next to a fireplace in an overstuffed armchair. (And his picture on the back cover makes that vision all the more enticing.) However, he accumulates a lot of his wisdom from others. The book is laden with quotes and poems from those who have gone before. So anyway, near the end of the book was this quote from the poet Samuel Ullman, and it really made me stop and think:

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease ... nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust. Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young."

In light of my recent "Oh my gosh I'm getting too old" mindset, this passage was comforting and uplifting. I think it's pretty much applicable to all of us; we've all watched life pass quickly before us, and it's troubling to see the children within us subjected to the cares of the world and to the pressures of time. But, it brought me back to the number one thing I learned from my dad: "Always let your kid out." Even though our physical child grows up and tends to get beat up by the experiences of life, the kid inside is infinite, always seeing the joy and the sunshine of the world instead of the clouds that so often fog our vision.

So even though our decades here on earth seem to be rapidly accumlating, it certainly does not have to be the end of fun, or the end of the incredible blessings that God offers to us each and every day.

I hope that everyone reading this will be struck by wonder today, and I hope we can all learn to take the time to think about things the way our "kid inside" would.

Blessings and love!

The Last 20 Minutes

Right now, it is 11:40. I have twenty minutes left to be a teenager.

I'm very sentimental about things like that. I love countdowns, anniversary's, and the like. Why? Not quite sure.

I remember my 13th birthday ... It was fun! It was a hotel party, how could a hotel party not be fun, really? And there was my mom, with her hand in the door ... and all us girls freaking out. Oh, good times. Of course, there was teenage girl drama - there usually was.

And now - my first step into those life-changing years as a twenty-something ... and it's SO unmonumental. I spent my day trying to convince myself to do things that will be better in the long run, though it would forfeit short-term "happiness" and allow me to handle things non-confrontationally. (I guess it's mature and all, but I don't like it. Nope. Nope I don't.) And I spent my night being crabby and stressed and oh-so-tired, racking my brains trying to write a paper that I really don't care about. Talk about a good way to end my teenage existence. (Well, perhaps it is emblematic of my later teenage years ...)

Perhaps, in 13 minutes, sparks will fly, fireworks will explode, people will come streaming into my apartment, with noise-makers and food (hopefully it won't be cake - I'm pretty sick of the cake) and champagne or something. And a live band, naturally.

Now we're down to 11 minutes. 11 minutes left to be crazily emotional, immature, silly, boy-crazy, giddy, hormonal, pimply, a dangerous driver, snotty, skinny, foolish-but-acting-wise, rebellious, spontaneous ...

Do those traits ... just ... go away? Cuz a part of me wants them to stay.

Now I'm getting nostalgic. I really want to be a teenager again. Well, okay, I really want to be 21, but I also wouldn't mind staying 18 forever (notice the allusion to a song popular when I was 16). People always glorify childhood. Dude, that was good times too, don't get me wrong. But what's so bad about getting your heart broken, only to fall in love again two weeks later? Or what's so bad about feeling free for the first time you get to drive alone or with your best friend? What's not to love about the afternoons when classes where out? Remember the well-defined social groups, and having summers free to do nothing but read or stay out on trampolines and star-gaze?

Four minutes.

Four minutes, and I shall enter that world of graduating (only to go to school again), job-finding (only to realize you hate your job), and husband-finding (only to realize that his breath smells really bad in the morning).

I should mention, I'm really not that cynical. I have nothing but the highest hopes for the next years of my life. In fact, they could be even better than the last decade or so. I'm so excited for what's in store for me, but ... it's nice to look back and see what you've had. It wasn't always fun. In fact, a lot of times it was downright lousy. But, in the last analysis, I grew up. I became more of myself.

And there's something to say for that.

The Big 2-0

I've been wanting to update this thing forever now. I wanted to talk about the New Year, about Urbana, about the excitement of a new semester and the anticipation I have for Camp and the desire I have to go on missions ... but, I haven't.

And now, we are already two months into the New Year. Christmas break (and all its drama) seems like ages ago. Urbana is a distant memory (a great memory, but distant), and life has been zipping along, the way it usually does.

Life is so great right now I almost feel guilty. I'm so content in my apartment, with my amazing roommates. I'm so excited for the spring and the summer, happily anticipating the memories and growth that Camp will bring. I'm learning a lot in school, and though I'm always bogged down with reading and papers, I generally enjoy what I'm studying. (Though, I do hate my Theory class. The only reason I stayed in it was because the professor was quite good looking. Is that a poor motive?)

Of course, there are always little bums along the way. I've had to deal with everything from relationships (or the lack thereof, or, more accurately, the ever-present desire for the lack thereof) to roommates (past and future) to my consistently inconsistent plans for my summer and for my future. Despite these curveballs in the game of life, I wake up every day feeling so blessed, because learning to hit curveballs makes you a better batter, and I know that at the end of the day I'll look over the field with satisfaction, knowing that I played my best and that the team's going out for ice cream.

My apologies for the lame analogy.

But in all honesty, I have been so blessed. It feels so good to wake up every day, knowing that God will give me the strength to handle whatever life throws in my direction. I've been working hard to be bold, to be open, to cultivate relationships. Sometimes, when all that lies ahead is four more boring lectures, that's what gets me out of bed - the fact me being at this school, at this place in history, is not coincidental. I'm working more and more to make the most out of this time in my life, because there's a lot of despair on this campus. There's a lot of people who just need a smile, but there's many more who just need a Savior. I hope that I can bring that happiness that I have to other people's lives.

It's crazy to think about how much God has revealed to me about himself in my 19th year of existence. I'm pretty excited to see what the 20th has in store for me!

Side note: There are 368 days till I can drink. Allllright. ; )

Application Schmapplication

I'm so sick of writing this application. I have ADD right now. If I would just FOCUS I could get this done in half an hour, hour tops. But no. I'm freaking reading my own blogs, instead of working on the essays that could change the course of my summer.

Ugghhh. Whhhyy so many questions?

I want to go to Camp, but ... if I means spending any more time searching Bible passages about drinking and lust ... They're both bad. I get it.